STOP RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!

I am in the process of making a change. If you would like to know the link to the new blog, please email me. I may post the link in the next day or so, but until I work out some kinks, just email me if you want the new link.
My eml addy is : sharon at tokobobo dot com


Stay tuned . . . . .

State of the Union Address . . . .

MyMy, yo Mama is a hot mess.

In my infertility support group meeting last night I walked in upset at the state of VN adoptions and in the 2+ hour course of the meeting I got ok, then freaked out again, then ok again, then back, then I left ok. This, of course, is even now that I am officially out my estrogen surge part of the month people!!!!!!



I couldn't get a solid read from the group on whether I should return my baby bedding or if that was possibly in my Top Ten Stoopid Financial Moves. Perhaps it is in my Top Five Stoopid Emotional Moves. Perhaps I shall be laughing out loud while I read all this to MyMy in a bed time story. DANG! I'm going nutz again. I just can't help it. I also had to come to terms with the fact that if . . . 'scuse me . . . . WHEN I bring my child home, someone is going to comment on how cute my GRANDAUGHTER is. OK OK OK . . . . One problem at a time.



I've decided I'm ok again. . . . . for the moment. I perhaps will hold off on the crib until I get a referral. Unless I lose it again and say "Damn, the torpedoes". That happens a lot these days. I shall blame it on hormones regardless. Chicks my age are entitled to do that, ya know.



Alas, however, I am not the most lost cause on the planet. Someone sent me wedding pics this morning. I think this chick and/or possibly her groom is far more lost and confused than I am at the moment.

Put your swatters away . . . . it is just my baby bedding.

OK, so . . . . Oh ye of little faith. I am putting my money where my mouth is. I am resisting my usual tendency to expect my house of cards to crumble. I am trying to out run my little cloud of negativity that is desperately trying to find me. I am putting on my "Happy Face" and just doing what I am told. Ergo . . . . I finally went big baby shopping tonight. How do you like MyMy's ensemble? There is another bedding set with the same fabric that has pom pomms. I liked that but I was a little scared she might pull the pom pomms off the bedding skirt and curtains and choke. I did order the mobile though. If she can reach the pom pomms when she stands, I'll cut them off.

So . . .. . what do you think?

. . . . And now I am done.

Many of my friends who are not adopting have no idea what has gotten my panties in a wad. To sum it up:

1. There are unethical adoption practices going on in Viet Nam right now. EGADS!!!!!! THAT has NEVER happened before . . . . not in ANY country!!! The hysteria calls for the program to be shut down. Mainly by people who are kissing their ETHICALLY adopted children goodnight every night. They would have everyone believe that their adoptions didn't fall prey to what they are assuming many other adoptions are falling prey to as we speak. Now, I am officially going on record (as if I have to) as stating that I absolutely want no part of an adoption that was rooted in extortion, coersion, baby-stealing or any other act that isn't humanitarian in nature. I am not so desperate to be a mother that I would want to rob another family of their right to raise their own child. My agency has been run through every conceivable check I could run them through and have passed mine and several other civic, humanitarian, and morally-minded people's litmus test as an ethical agency. They are even on the "Adoption Agencies I approve of" list of one of the more popular blogs. One of the blogs that seem to be respected by all the people calling for radical shut downs. I say this so that I am not accused of "defending" my agency; as I stated below, my agency doesn't need defending. So what is my problem and why am I putting a dog in this fight? People that I have grown fond of in this process are feeling as though their dreams of parenthood are going to be shattered and they have made horrific choices; their agencies aren't as perfect and ethical as the ONE AGENCY that keeps popping up on everyone's blog as ethical. I find it ironic that ONE agency keeps popping up time and time again as the GOLD STANDARD of ethics. Surely, proponents and subscribers of their service cannot seriously think theirs is the agency of choice among those most moral amongst us. Having said that, other people I have grown quite fond of use this agency as well. I find it rather easy to respect them and the choice they made while they went about building their family and I do not want anything I state here to sound contrary to that. I just wish that attitude could be adopted by others before they commence ripping PAP's to shreds without having sufficient information. And lest those of you doing the ripping think you have ALL the information, let me assure you, you do not. I don't proclaim to either which is why I can't place people under the Cyber Firing Squad.

2. Stop-gaps have been instituted to help remedy the adoptions that have taken place that are just starting to appear to officials as inappropriate, unethical, or illegal. I support this entirely. I am a proud American who supports any time my government takes steps to treat ALL people in a respectful and humanitarian fashion and seeks to eliminate corruption. I have also let them know that. I'm not sure if they care whether or not I support them, but it was important to me and my tax dollars paid for the phone they used to listen to me. I feel better already. Now, having stated that, I absolutely do not believe this "unethical, illegal activity" just started. I absolutely do not believe VN is the only country with these issues. I absolutely believe that as long as human nature is flawed, corrupt people will be corrupt and all of our best efforts can't stop them completely. I believe the US is doing the very best it can to continue to offer families who want (need) children the opportunity to be matched with children who NEED loving homes. I believe that their continued willingness to do this with the country of Viet Nam will serve a far greater humanitarian effort than to simply "shut it down". That isn't a solution. How simple-minded for anyone to think so or to suggest such. I trust that our government with a co-op of adoption professionals, AP's, PAP's, country officials, etc. can do better than that and I think they are trying.

3. I work in a field that affords me access to Immigration officials that I didn't realize I had until last week. I found great comfort in having that access this week. I also found great comfort in learning that while problems have been identified, solutions have been identified also. Adoption/Immigration officials in ALL countries are on a regular cycle of looking to improve practices, as well they should be. These are children, after all, and they deserve all of our best efforts to protect them. After my discussion via telephone, I went back and reread the "official statement" provided. It was easier to read between the lines of what was being said through less panic-stricken eyes. Again, I support my government in their efforts to protect the innocent. I understand now, that protection is not to the exclusion of placing children in need with families who wish to love and care for them nor is that on the immediate horizon. This conversation was reiterated in several other phone conversations yesterday. Over and over again, all the important players in my adoption world are seemingly on the same page. That page seems to read that there are issues that are being addressed and agencies/provinces that need reform and there is a commitment to make that happen.

No one needs to run through the village torching anything.

4. I 1000% agree with Jenna on this post: http://babystoll.blogspot.com/2007/11/keep-on-keeping-on.html

5. I wrote out a rhetorical question to those that have their children home already. After careful consideration, I felt that not posting it at this time would be a wiser choice as my goal here is not to cause grief or pain to anyone. It is to help calm an unsettling batch of news in our worlds as of late. Reading the blogs of those whose children are home, has been a great source of joy for me in the past and gave me hope that I too, might someday get to be a mom. I am sorry to say that is no longer the case since a few of them feel the need to vilify others with shocking righteousness. I surely will miss seeing how their precious children are growing and learning and loving.

Now . . . I am going to get back to my brand of blogging and enjoying my adoption process with other people who wish to do the same. I meant what I said about discussing this over the phone if there are any takers. I won't allow you to litter my blog with puke and venom.

Yes, I have been under a rock. I think I'll go back now too.

How refreshing to logon after being "under a rock" for a couple of weeks and find some PAP's who are not willing to stand by and be nailed to a cross by some of the issues cropping up in VN concerning adoption. For those of you that do not know (family and friends of mine that were terrified this might not work out since it is an international adoption vs. domestic), VN is in turmoil right now. Rather, those of us poor PAP's who do not have our children home right now are in turmoil. There are people who ARE home (probably checking on their precious ones right now while they sleep) who are in turmoil because others aren't behaving like they proclaim they would be responding right now. Confused? Imagine how I felt after busying myself to prepare for my child's arrival and reading how VN may shut the program down at any minute because people are pushing babystealers to get them an embryo home and with the quickness barring all ethics, morality and legality. *trying to wipe the sarcasm off my lips*

I did decide to drop out of this drama after spending hours last night and well into the morning looking for Truth in all this "solid information" that we have been given. Truth, I'm afraid, appears to be elusive. Then after about my 38th toss and turn in my bed I decided that I need to make a post about what I have really taken away from all this drama and where my head is about it now. Since starting this journey, I have visited blogs that helped me keep my focus about why I was so hellbent on going to VN in the first place to bring my child home. I'm sorry to say that those places that used to bring me great comfort are now a tremendous source of disappointment, frustration and angst. I'm going to give more careful thought to what I will post, because I don't want my anger at how all this has played out to divert what I actually want to communicate. However, after I make that post and "join in the Reindeer games" I am going to bow out of it all. Rather than allow Bitchy McSnipe comments on my blog, I think I would rather offer up my phone number to those that wish to take me on so that it can be a more interactive show and we'll see how Soapboxy people are when they don't have a World Wide audience to perform for.

And just for the record, my agency has not been mentioned ONCE during all this scandal by VN officials, US officials or any other Adoptive bloggers. They have NEVER been issued a NOID and were doing humanitarian services in VN and several other countries LONG before they took the first dime to process a VN adoption. So don't mistake me for someone getting on a Soapbox to "protect" my agency. They do not need protection because they have nothing to hide. I however just wanted to have a little tiny bit of privacy about who we were using to respect the wishes of my husband who is not nearly as mouthy as I am.

I'll be back and I'm sure, despite my husband's suggestion to let this go, I'll post anyway. Then I'll figure out whether I need to cancel the order I was about to make for what is supposed to be a nursery.

AHEM! *Steps up to the mic*

A letter from the Department of Homeland Security.

NOTICE OF FAVORABLE DETERMINATION CONCERNING APPLICATION FOR ADVANCE PROCESSING OF ORPHAN PETITION


We have been "deemed fit by The United States Citizenship & Immigration Department to furnish proper care to an orphan or orphans as defined by Section 101(B)(1)(F) of the Immigration and Nationality Act. "


I didn't expect this for 2 more months. I am stunned it arrived this early. In NC, 3 mos. 2 wks and 1 day is FAST! I was just thinking on the way home how I haven't been freaking out about waiting on it and how weird it would be when it did finally show up in the mail.

The gubment says we can be a mommy and a daddy!!!!

'Scuse me . . . I'm off for tissues . . ..

Get a Cup O' Joe . . . . this is a long one.

I know how the Gub’ment works . . . I’ve seen them in action. MANY times. When they threaten you with a big fat DENIED across ANYTHING you need from them, they mean it! I think they get bonuses based on how many things they can deny. So . . . . cut to Camera 1: Saturday, October 20, 2007. We are off to Charlotte to USCIS-Land. We are to be fingerprinted by the Feds. Yeah. With much anxiety, I recall my letter of appointment for these fingerprints. They are clear. VERY clear. If you cannot make this appointment, you must reschedule AHEAD of time. If you do not reschedule via email AHEAD of time and you do not appear, your I600A will automatically be denied. If you do not show up at your designated appointed time, your I600A will be denied. I know people who have worked with USCIS on other issues and they assure me that this is no joke. I believe them. It took me almost 3 months just to get a stupid appointment with them after they received my I600A. According to their processing times and notice in my letter, it will probably take them another 3 months to make a determination. Fine.

From my house to Charlotte is approximately a 3 hour drive. Our appointment is at 3pm. Not a problem. But oops! Our agency has scheduled a seminar titled “First Months Home” led by a panel of parents who are in various stages of the “being at home” phase. More about this later. That class was from10am to noon. I let the agency know that we might pull out a little early but we will still have plenty of time because the class is in Chapel Hill which is only a little over 2 hours from Charlotte. I figure if we left by 11:30 like I planned, we would have a 1.5 hour comfort zone in case the flying monkeys (think Wizard of Oz and the witch) were turned loose on the Interstate. For those of you lucky souls who have never had to travel between Greensboro and Charlotte on I85, you won’t understand the flying monkeys. And you won’t understand why I needed a 1.5 hour comfort zone. For those of you that HAVE made that trek, you already know what is coming.

Well, we didn’t leave the class when I wanted but were on the road at noon after cutting out a tiny bit early. That’s ok . . . an hour is plenty of time since everything else has gone so well in this adoption process so far (note to self: IT’S A TRAP!). I decided I could stop being Paranoid Patty. We zoom along on our journey until we both are hungry at the same time (this RARELY happens!). Daddy thinks it would be a good idea to sit down and eat inside Wendy’s rather than eating on the road. Hmm. . . . my gut check says no, but my brain is feeling pretty smart so I agree that we have plenty of time still. Leaving Wendy’s we have 30 minutes of comfort zone time and this is a little too close for comfort for me. Not to worry . . . no flying monkeys yet.

*SCREACHING TO A HALT* A few miles from Spencer North Carolina, my worst fears come to fruition. Traffic is at a dead stop. NOOOOOOO, not on I85! The entire interstate is stalled. This is not good. Not good at all. And no, we do not have GPS. Traffic starts to inch. Perhaps it was a wreck that they are clearing as we speak. No need to panic, but what the hell. I panic anyway because I’m long overdue for a demonic possession. Traffic is running at 8mph. I panic more. I start to cry. Daddy is getting noticeably uncomfortable. Good . . . now we match. I start leering at him. It is all his fault. I can’t blame the poor people who had the wreck. That would be rude. But wait . . . traffic is being detoured. WE ARE SAVED! But wait . . . it is through the tiny town of Spencer with stop lights at every other block. The speed limit is 35mph, thanks for the warning, but given that the entire interstate is being routed through this tiny town, we are not moving AGAIN! I start beating the steering wheel. The profanity is getting worse. I’m pretty sure I even growled a few times at the stupid other drivers that were in between me and becoming a mom. I think I scared a few. Turns out, I reckon I became their flying monkey! Daddy has enough of dealing with me and gets in the back of the truck. How stupid was that!? If by some act of God we start moving, then I have this dude in a leg brace (he just had knee surgery, more about that later) in the bed of a truck going 80mph down the interstate. Now he is really on my doo doo list. I screech louder. I purposefully keep hitting the brake to signify how unhappy I am with him. He gets the message. He orders me out of the driver’s side. I vomit some choice words at him and get in the passenger’s side because as luck would have it, cars started to move. Not sure if they were trying to get away from us or not. Suffice it to say, we won’t be including that on our “family videos” to Viet Nam. In defense of me (and God knows I need one) I was dealing with emotions and illogical thought processes that were the root of my behavior and reactions. More about those later. Daddy takes charge. He flies by about 15 or so cars and cuts in front of an Semi that was not turning at the green light for no logical reason. We are back on I85. We get about 2-3 miles and see the junction of business 85 and I 85 where the wreck was. THAT part of the traffic flow was at a dead stop and people were out of their cars. It must have been bad. My only saving grace was that I at least had the presence of mind to say a little prayer for those poor people involved because I knew back when traffic was rerouted that it must have been bad enough for someone to die. We were 45 minutes from USCIS. Still dealing with some of the slower traffic due to the accident, I knew we wouldn’t even be close. It was 2:40pm. We would never make it. We didn’t give up though. I decided I was desperate enough to grab someone’s ankles and beg if I had to for them to let us in. Daddy would vouch for the fact that I would spew green stuff and spin my head around if they didn’t take my prints. We arrive at 3:30pm. They were closing at 4pm.

But WAIT . . . .what is this? There is NO ONE in line. There were about 6 workers and no “customers”! It was obvious to the lady covering the desk that I had been crying. I had my letters in hand telling her I knew about the rules and we left in plenty of time but there was this horrible accident. She knew all about it. It was breaking news. People died in that accident. She told me to relax, it wasn’t a problem. So I asked about all the verbiage and the horror stories about DENIALS, being on time, etc. She laughed. Said they just put that in there and she didn’t know why! I wasn’t laughing. It wasn’t funny at all to me. I was horrible to my husband, we drove at dangerous speeds, and I lost a few EQ points just to do what I was told so that I wasn’t one of those victims of the Feds that people have shared morbid tales about. So that I wouldn’t lose another baby. It wasn’t funny. I get my prints taken. Daddy gets his prints taken. I feel hungover. I feel angry. I feel like I need to get off government premises immediately.

On the drive back, Daddy is fine and tries to distract me by chatting about inconsequential matters. It isn’t working well. I am in an emotional process and I can’t be interrupted. It is like taking clothing from the washer after the agitation cycle but before the rinse and spin cycle. I think back to the class from that morning. No one asked about attachment issues until I did. You know . . . the ones that everyone is writing about. The ones that have books written about them. The ones that make adopting a child from an orphanage a little scary even though you are going to do it anyway and pray that you have what it takes to raise a healthy, happy child that knows who mommy and daddy are and are capable of receiving the love the mommy and daddy want to give him/her. The attachment issues that keep coming up in blog after blog and book after book and website after website? Those issues. I needed to know about them so I could help my child when she gets home. So I could be the mom she deserves. THOSE are the issues I need to hear about. NOW! Without exception, the people on the panel said “What attachment issues?” They all adopted from different countries and were at different phases of being at home. One lady adopted a 2 yo and 4yo from Russia that had been in an orphanage since they were born. She said the 4 yo had some issues, but she felt they were largely language barriers. She said at age 9, she is showing some behavior that may be related to attachment, but were not certain. Regardless, none of what they dealt with would fall into the attachment issues category. I was told by all of them that if I am looking for something, I will surely find a smidge of behavior and swear it is attachment issue related. Then the director of our agency spoke up. She is the mother of 4 adopted children. She agreed 100%. She said that we don’t hear about the families that go smoothly because they don’t sell books on those. I think back to the emails I have exchanged with some loverly families who are home with their children from VN. NOT ONE OF THEM had attachment issues to work through. I know other PAPs are like me and only want to arm themselves with all the information to be the best parents they can be. I have read their blogs. They are loverly people. They must be a bit scared too. I don’t blame them. There is so much hype about these children from orphanages that for those of us who do not even know who our children are yet, we want to start protecting them now. I get it. Then there were the NOIDS I wrote about a few posts ago. Do you want to know how many hits I got from google searches from poor PAPs absolutely terrified about those? I did it too. I don’t blame them a bit. It is soul shredding to read those words when you are adopting a child from another part of the world. To go through what we go through only to be turned away by our own government and not allowed to bring our children home? It takes my breath away to think about it. But that isn’t the norm. It is very rare. And now, I trust that it is very rare.

I’m sitting in the truck on the way home thinking of how upset and anxious I have been through this process of becoming a mom. I am forced to look at the facts. Those facts include that I believe we have chosen the best agency for us. I absolutely trust them 1000%. They have been true from the very beginning. I have moved through the very beginning stage of adoption to dossier submission at lightening speed (well, in adoption world anyway) because I am driven and I’m with an agency that held my hand the entire way, coaching me on what to do next and how to get it done when I wanted it done. I have “met” some awesome people so far and I’m positive I will meet tons more. My agency’s ethics are beyond reproach. The other adopted families have been honest and forthcoming with info. They have no reason to lie to me. Those are the facts. So why was I so upset? Because I believed all the hype and propaganda. I’m pissed at the Feds for making statements they did not intend to back up. I’m pissed at the Feds because they have phones in buildings that I have been told for 2 months had no way to be contacted. How much anxiety could have been mitigated if only I had a way to call them and let them know what was going on? Why did they get to distribute communication that essentially had me convinced that I would be denied my child if I was a millisecond late? I’m furious with them for that. I’m angry about the horror stories I’ve been told about them. I’m upset that I have put so much focus on how to deal with my child’s attachment issues because from what I hear, I’d do better reading up on the country of VN. From what I understand, I’d do better focusing on preparing the nursery. From what I hear, I’d enjoy my husband more until the baby comes home. But what am I doing? I’m reacting to the REACTORS of the world. I’m reacting to the people that only share part of the information. I’m reacting to anticipatory anxiety brought on by feeding into the doomsday side of me that is connected to the doomsday side in others. And I am pissed off about that. For those of you starting on your adoption journey, please do yourselves a favor . . . . focus on why you are doing all the work you are doing and trust your instincts. It is ok to believe that it will work out. It is ok to believe in your agency. It is ok to believe you have what it takes to be a good parent. It is ok to decorate the nursery. It is ok to look at the baby section in Target. It is ok to think about names. It is ok to be happy after having lost a baby that you once carried. It is ok to believe that life ISN’T out to get you. It is ok to believe that other people want to see you with a child of your own just as much as you do. And it is ok to ignore all the negative people in and out of the adoption world who are raining on your parade. Which is what I am going to start doing. For four years I worked harder that I have for anything in my whole life to become a mom. Now . . .motherhood isn’t far from my doorstep. Instead of worrying about what attachment issues my child might have, I think I shall focus on getting mommy squared away emotionally to stop expecting the worst to happen. I think that would be a better gift to my daughter. I am a very intense person, not prone to frivolity. Well, at age 42, I think I am entitled and require a little frivolity, dammit! It is long overdue! I’ll fix the world later!

Thank you for reading, if you have made it this far. Those of you insightful creatures have probably figured out that my meltdown was only triggered by the backed up traffic on the way to the FBI and that I have been carrying a lot of baggage that I didn’t even realize. I feel like I just went to therapy. Good! I needed it.
Now . . . . how about those cute little hair bows I got for my girl!

P.S. I’d like to give a Shout Out to my friend whose child is in Guatemala. I feel silly carrying on about my stuff when she is in knots over two governments who can’t seem to get their doo doo together on the precious children in that country and let them get home to their parents. I think a revolution might be in order, my dear! I’m in!

Not a happy post . . . .

I was traumatized this weekend. We had our fingerprinting appointment with the FBI.

I will write more later, but if anyone reading this blog is just starting out on the adoption process, do yourself a favor . . . . . .

Don't believe all the horror stories you read about. And that means with ANY portion of the adoption process. Suffice it to say that I got so upset at a series of events on Saturday, that I am still in tears about what happened and how I reacted today. The part that is most horrible??? The horror stories I've read didn't come to fruition, but my fears surrounding them are what caused me the most heartache.

I want to go into more detail about what happened when I can do it without clenching my teeth and without the alligator tears in my eyes.

End result . . . . everything is ok now . . . . . no thanks to all the "panic buttons" that got pushed.

Whatcha think about these diaper bags?

I kinda like #2, the red one . . . . .

Today's post is sponsored by the letter "A"

Daddy and I went to Dilly Dally, and upscale baby boutique. More about that later! To celebrate arriving at the "Middle-mester" in adoption world, we bought MyMy 2 little bows . . . . For those that don't know, "MyMy" is just my little Vietnamese nickname I'm using for my daughter so I don't give away her real name . . . . for now.

I AM NOT A GEEK!

I just play one on TV . . . and from time to time, I have to rehearse in public. This is the last 36 hours of my life. . . . give or take a few minutes.

October 15, 9:15 am~Arrive at the Secretary of State's office after having "jogged" down the block with my DDD's swinging vulgarly to and fro. It was not a pretty sight. Tried to look calm as I was huffing for breath through the big double doors. Gladys, the state worker didn't buy it. She took my documents with a smug smirk on her face as if to say "She thinks she hustled to get here this morning, wait til she finds out she has to come back after I find a mistake in her paperwork." I stare back at her with an equally smug look while thinking "Don't even think about it bitch . . . .I work at a law firm and I'm detail oriented to a science aside from that. My documents pass muster . . . . just please don't find the one thing that no normal human being would take issue with that I KNEW I should have fixed when I had the chance but didn't b/c I knew that I was going to be dealing with a rational human being at the government office."

9:18am~Another pleasant lady walks in with a tot and a package looking a lot like mine. We chat and discover that we are both adopting from VN. She tells me that she is from Charlotte and is staying at a hotel so she can pick these documents up rather than have them mailed. Those of us who have hunted these documents with the voracity of a Jack Russell Terrier understand why she made the 3 hour trip and got a hotel room. She also met a cyber friend the night before who was adopting from VN and lived in a city only 25 minutes from me. Hmmm . . . . . I wondered aloud what her friend's name was as one of the first people I "met" in Blogworld adopting from VN was from this same city. Her friend . . . . LuLu's Mom!!!!!! OMG we both gasped! We are almost related now! How loverly!

9:20am~Gladys is a blood hound. She found the only mistake. Get this. My employment verification was notarized by a coworker. I, being the Uber efficient GEEK that I am, ran the form document on our letter head and took the liberty of typing in all the notary information. Most notaries use an initial for the first or middle name, their full first or middle name and their last name. My coworker spelled out her entire 3 names. I typed in "Mary S. Smith" instead of Mary Susan Smith. No biggie. She signed Mary Susan Smith. It matched her notary seal. I didn't even HAVE to type in Mary S. Smith. I was just being efficient. But b/c I did type it in and it didn't EXACTLY match, GLADYS cast her shit-eating grin upon me and returned my form as unacceptable. I would have to completely redo the form.

9:21am~Catherine, Lulu's mom's friend, said "OMG, I cannot believe you are so calm. If that happened to me, I'd lose it." I knew I had to be strong for her (hahahahahaahahaha!). And I knew I couldn't let Gladys see me sweat.

9:22am~I cast my bigger shit-eating grin at Gladys. "Well, you look like you are reasonable. If I can have this form redone and back here within an hour or so, can I pick up my entire dossier AUTHENTICATED by 4:30 this afternoon?" Gladys looked at me and with a "Name that tune!" kinda tone in her voice said "Sure . . . . . . "

9:22:30am~I bolt out the door yelling "Good luck" to Catherine, DDD's back in action!

11:00am~I redid the form. It is perfect. I sway casually through the double doors again. Gladys is surprised to see me, but tries to hide it. My new form passes muster. On the way out I get ballsy. "Do you think I could pick those up by 4pm instead of 4:30pm?" I must have impressed Gladys . . . . she said "Sure, honey . . . they should be ready."

I WON!

4:01pm~I'M BAAAAAAACK! Dossier in hand, docs that do not require authentication in a separate labelled folder and the Fed Ex pack all ready to go. I grab my authenticated documents, review them, and get a little misty. I've worked so hard to get to this point. I drive back to work, drop the package off and feel like life as I know it is about to change.

October 16, 1:30am~Can't sleep .. . . . . .

10:23am~Placing agency receives dossier. Play phone tag with M. @ agency.

1:45pm~Speak to M. at agency. Here are the numbers: we are number 19 on the list, but that doesn't mean anything because . . . . . . .

We are number 8 in line for a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone else wants boys!!!!!

The average wait time based on historical data is 4 months. The longest wait for a referral is 6 months. We might possibly have a referral by Valentine's Day or a little after. Although with the holidays, it could get pushed back. I'm just grateful to be out of the paperchase and officially waiting!!!!!! Remind me I said that January 31 ok?

One thing of note. Detail oriented people will notice that I still don't have the 171H. So I'll go ahead and address that now. Because NC residents are being made to wait so long for approval, they are not requiring that be done in order to be on the wait list. Based on the info from USCIS, in the event we get a referral before we get our 171H, we can request expedited processing and the approval is automatically sent to the Embassy in VN. I am sure we'll get our 171H long before a referral, but these procedures are in place if we need them.

That's all folks!!!!

8

That is the most beautiful number in the world.

What could it possibly mean????????????

This kinda thing is why I LOVE my placing agency so much!

DAMN internet! It is my blessing and my curse! I found several little blurbs last night discussing how 4 poor families were kept apart after traveling to VN because of NOIDS (Notice of Intent to Deny) from the US government which will not allow them to bring their children home. I am told there are several reasons for this . . . . the most insidious being suspicion of unethical adoption practices by an agency/facilitator and other less unsavory things. Reading the info, my heart just sunk for those families and the requisite terror of a PAP set in. I get verklempt now just thinking about it. So . . . I had to do it. Neurotica was up at 1:30am firing off an email to the placing agency, who, btw, has NEVER ONCE given me a reason to doubt them.

My email to 3 people:

I'm not panicking . . . . Just inquiring. I panicked last night.

*exhale*

Not sure if you all have gotten wind of 4 families that were issued NOIDS this week in VN. The news has made its way into cyberspace. I'd rather not know anything about them myself, but just for sanity's sake . . . . Have you all ever had a NOID issued for VN families? Just tell me "No" and I can go back to being blissfully ignorant.

This was my VN Coordinator's response. I really dig that they endorse "flags" being thrown on a play in situations that warrant a child/VN family being protected.

Hi Sharon,

Please do not panic! NOIDS are the kind of things that sound horribly scary, but are in fact relatively rare and, in a sense, a good thing (as it means the right precautions are being taken). But, no, (placing agency) has never had a family be issued a NOID!

Thanks,

Mary Beth

*WHEW*

GULP

. . . . Had a really nice chat with the VN coordinator at my adoption agency today. That's all I'll say for now.

*where is my bouncing up and down clapping smiley?*

YEAH! I got my first official "Here's Your Sign" comment!

I love Bill Engvall . . . . he is the comedian that does the "Here's Your Sign" stuff, in case you didn't know. The idea is that people that are a few fries short of a happy meal or a few letters shy of a full keyboard should wear signs letting the rest of us know where they are on the food chain.

Actually . . . . I got TWO of these comments in the same day this past weekend! Don't get me wrong, I've had some ignorant comments made to me so far, but not specifically about my baby in particular, just dumb comments about the process in general. See this link:http://sharonchronicles-adoption.blogspot.com/2007/09/answers-to-these-and-many-other.html

Incident #1

So, I'm at my mother's store pillaging through the 6-9 month section and pulling out my latest items (MyMy's closet is 1/2 way full and I am still paperchasin'!) when this really sweet mom struck up a conversation. She had a 1 month old and 2 other children that were 3 and 6. She probably has a good idea when children do things developmentally. She asked if my baby was with Daddy since she couldn't get a visual on who all these clothes were for.

Then my mother pipes up "WE are adopting from Viet Nam. WE don't have the baby yet, but WE are getting things ready for her when she gets here so." I just love that my mother is so psyched about this!

The young mom says "Viet Nam?? Do you know how old of a child you will be getting?"

Me: "I am guessing that our baby will be between 6 months and 12 months. I think the average is 8-9 months."

Young mom: "Will she speak Vietnamese?"

Me: *are you kidding me? look on my face* "No . . . . . . did your children speak English by the time they were 12 months old?"

Young mom: "OH . . . duh . . . . . "

Me: *burst out laughing to lighten the mood*

Incident #2

I leave my mother's store and go to Diva Girl to get my hair did. I love this woman. She is so awesome! We chat about what is new in adoption land and she starts telling me about this great new place for me to buy maternity clothes.

*crickets churping in background*

HERE'S YOUR SIGN

We both ended up laughing our heinies silly about that one.

This is gonna be fun!

AND IF ONE MORE PERSON!

Asks me to do something or expects that I should have just read their neurotic, self-centered mind and figured out what they wanted me to do, I'm gonna go Madea on their ass!

Sorry to have littered your sweet little blog with adult turd issues MyMy. Mommy will place nice now . . . . . ok, I'll try hard to play nice . . . . . . ok, I'll think about playing nice.

ARGH! I promise not to commit any crimes then!

Yeah Team!!!!

Just got an email from my favorite social worker of all time!

HOME STUDY IS BEING FED EX'D TO USCIS TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We will be getting our copy via USPS so I can get that authenticated and wrap up my dossier.

'Scuse me while I kiss the sky!

Think I need to make a phone call

I cannot get that little boy off my mind. He is obviously walking and most children are adopted before they are walking in VN. I wonder if he has special needs. I just want him. I don't know why, but I just do. I don't even know if my agency works with that orphanage or not. The agency that I do know that works with them has their VN program shut down right now. How in the world am I gonna find that child? "Excuse me . . . . I saw a picture of a little boy in white shorts in a Tam Ky orphanage that is adorable and has my name written all over his birth certificate? Know which one I'm talking about? Good . . . . I WANT HIM!" Why do I do this to myself!? Now I can't rest until I find out about that little boy. And why am I drawn to him so much? They DID approve me for 2 children, ya know . . . . . . and all my friends at the Psychic Friends Network told me they saw me with a boy . . . . . . . Hmmmmmm. . . . .

I want him!

I was looking at some photos of someone who is currently in VN bringing their child home. This orphanage happens to be an orphanage that I have seen before in piccies from another couple that we met. So . . . . as I'm flipping through, this little boy in the white shorts/top ensemble just leaps off the page at me. He reminds me of a Vietnamese version of my precious little nephew Brooks. I want him! I swear I'd be on a plane tomorrow if they would let me bring him home. I just wanna give him a big old squishy hug. Don't you? You know, if we were blessed to be in a position to bring home two children, I just don't think I could say no.

"Lights, Camera, Action . . . . and cue tears"

I knew this was coming. And I knew what it was going to say. I lived this story so I knew. So why in the world did I get all verklempt reading my home study draft? This isn't even like getting a referral necessarily, but the tears flew anyway. I swear if I didn't know better (and I DO know better!), you'd think I was pregnant! I guess I get to "enjoy" the symptoms even though Miss MyMy isn't passing through my uterus huh? Good argument for being born in the heart being at least as profound as being born of me physically. This just kinda feels like a little milestone . . . you know . . . one of those milestones that isn't the "biggest" deal, and isn't a surprise, but a milestone nonetheless.

Sarah, who most of you reading my blog know is my social worker, took great care and consideration as she described our lives before, during and after our marriage. I didn't realize how much I talked about my niece and nephews, but those mentions were all over my HS. And you know what else? My crazy little family does make for good reading. Out of all the paragraphs contained in this document, this was the part that sent me over the edge. I bypassed the tissues and went straight for the shirt to wipe the tears from my face . . . . just like little Brooks would do!

*final entry on HS*

Approval
Exercising its authority as a child-placing agency licensed by the North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services, *************** Adoption Services is pleased to approve Sharon L******* M********** B********** and John “Jay” T******** B******** for the adoption of up to two children, age birth to three years old from Vietnam.
*********** Adoption Services agrees to provide post-placement supervision, including any related follow-up to the child-placing agency, orphanage or other source, and assistance as considered necessary for the entire family unit and the adopted child in particular.
This Preplacement Assessment is respectfully submitted by **********’s Staff Social Worker, Sarah ***********, BSW and is valid for eighteen months from the approval date in accordance with North Carolina laws.

Ahhh . . . . I feel a little better now!

This International adoptive parenting blogworld thingy is a trip! I have noticed that many people are reluctant (and I do get why) to discuss their agency in open blog forum. Having read so much discussion about the ethics of the agency, I was a tiny bit worried that ours wasn't ethical enough if we were putzing right along at what in the adoption world is warp speed (only 4 more months 'til I can officially complain about the USCIS being slow!) I felt as though we did the research and took word of mouth recommendations very seriously. I really began to question things as we continue smoothly along so far in this process. I know some people have had some challenges to overcome with their agencies so I have been waiting for those, but my agency seems to be moving along in a moderate and steady pace with me. I know that some people throw flags on the play if an agency seems to be efficient and steady and it brings their ethics into question (no where else on the planet is this the case, mind you!) I'm really worried! Something has to go terribly wrong, right? I am the poster girl for Murphy's Law! So far, the only thorn in my paw has been everyone's favorite . . . USCIS! They are enough to make the Pope cuss. But my agency . . . . so far, I'm still lovin' them. Remind me I said this when I hit my big bumps in the road!

So . . . . imagine how comforted I was to pop on one of the more popular blogs of someone who has been home from VN for a year now and find that my agency was on her SHORT list of agencies she considers ethical. I knew I could trust my gut, but I so appreciate the validation!

Ahhhhhhhh . . . . . .

Credit card app, catalogue, refinancing opportunity . . . . . USCIS LETTER!!!??????

Holy shyte!!!!!!!

Secretly . . . .or not so secretly . . . depending on who is reading this blog, I have been seething about it taking so long to get a fingerprint appointment with USCIS. Well . . . . today it came! We travel to Charlotte on October 20, a Saturday no less! I guess they do that since they won't let us go to an FBI satellite office 25 minutes from our house! But anyway . . . . WE GOT THE APPOINTMENT!!!!!

Now, I be so confrused! I thought I was supposed to get an official LID letter from them by which I could go online and see "what up". I got a cash register receipt saying they got my money. But no where on the appointment do I see that code everyone has been talking about that I am supposed to use.

I think this is kind of a big deal or something. . . . . The letter says that because they are so behind in processing in NC, that I shouldn't expect a 171H before late November to late January. Further, they told me not to contact them about a 171H until after February 10, 2008. Hmmmm . . . . they must have me confused with someone that follows directions.

More to follow. I'm a little emotional right now and Adoption Stories: Guatemala is on. BooHooo . . . . .

OH WOW! We aren't child abusers!!! GROOVY! . . . . NEXT!

Did I say how much I loved Sarah????? This is another email she just sent me:


From: Sarah@**************.org [mailto:Sarah@************.org]
Sent: Tuesday, October 02, 2007 3:23 PM
To: *********, Sharon
Subject: RE: D'oh! I forgot to ask

Sharon,

I forgot to tell you that your child abuse clearances came in the mail last week.

Sarah


This was my response:


OH GOOD!!! Glad to know I didn't lapse into a psychosis and abuse any children while in an altered state! HA!!!! You know . . . Do other people worry about criminal checks and abuse checks like this even though they KNOW they haven't done anything wrong???? Or am I the MOST neurotic person you have ever worked with? Wait . . . Not sure I want to know the answer to that!

Thanks Sarah!

The email in question?????

Sarah, our social worker, referred to an email I sent her a couple of hours ago. Just thought I'd share it with you all so that you can see what she was talking about. I imagine it would be hard to figure out how I could crack someone up with an email about an education form, but . . . . then again . . . look who we're talking about here . . . MyMy's mom! CHA CHA!

Hi Sarah and Kelly!

Sarah, I am attaching a copy of our completed and signed Education Form for our home study. I am forwarding the original in the mail today, but wanted you to have it as soon as possible for the home study completion. After what we have learned, it is clear how much more we HAVE to learn. I feel like what I've learned so far is just how much I don't know, if that makes any sense. I can diaper the bum,mix the formula and rock-a-bye baby 'til the cows come home. It is the other stuff that we've never had experience with that we need to "make like a sponge" about. Specifically, attachment issues are of great interest to us. Kelly, if {our placing agency} is sponsoring or knows about any more opportunities for us to be more educated in this area, I'll buy front row seats. We are both currently reading Attaching in Adoption. I am scouring the internet (which can cause great anxiety!) as well for information. My sister told me that if I go too overboard, my child might dip herself in Crisco just to try to slip out of my grip and get away from me. Yikes! So, I am trying to not go overboard, but rather, to find out what is reasonable to expect and what I need to be prepared to do from our very first day as a family. I figure, as with anything else in life, there is a happy, yet elusive, medium that would probably be the best approach in dealing with attachment issues and I am determined to find it. We are pretty early in reading the book I mentioned above but I am getting the sense that our child will be the guiding light in what we need to be doing to bridge the gap of her not having parents the first few months of her life. I imagine, if she is anything like my sister's children, she will be telling us what to do about a lot of things!

One more thing; I'm sorry I didn't get an opportunity to speak with either of you at the Baby 101 class. I was a little caught up in thinking about the attachment issues the instructor talked about and got a little emotional for some reason. I knew that if I tried to talk to either of you, I might start crying thinking about those little babies in the orphanages that could come and live with me right now! Sarah has seen me cry . . . . it isn't pretty. So I figured I would spare both of you! Oh . . . . and the thing that I learned in class that shocked me the most is that my husband has NEVER changed a diaper! Not even a peepee diaper! After 9.5 years of having regular contact and babysitting our niece and nephews (2 of which were in diapers at the same time) I can't believe he managed to weasel out of diaper duty for so long without me noticing! There was no way he was getting out of that room without repenting by having to diaper Betsy Wetsy in front of a crowd. The class was $10.00, but that moment was PRICELESS!

Thanks for all that you do!

Home Study update . . .

Not much to update really, but Mommy and Daddy have completed the education requirements for our home study and placing agency. Actually, we completed it a few days ago, but I just didn't send in the form. And GUESS WHAT!? This form didn't have to be notarized! Shocking isn't it! Everything else we've done has had to be notarized and/or authenticated by the Secretary of State. PHFFFFFFT! No mountain is too high to climb to get to MyMy!!!! Piece A Cake!!! I sent it off via USPS and via email today in pdf form.



OH WOW!!! As I was posting this, I got an email message from my agency . . . . DANG! They are fast! A response in 2.5 hours! Let's see what Ms. Sarah has to say.





OH Groovy! I sent 2 emails to my agency about the home study status and to make sure we have finished our requirements after submitting the education form. This is what Ms. Sarah had to say:


Hi Sharon!

As usual, your emails are cracking me up. Let's see...Thank you for the education form, I will include that in your home study. You're home study is beginning the editing phase and will then be sent to you for review and to answer any remaining questions that may be left after finishing the original draft. After that, if there are no huge corrections, we can have it notarized and sent to you and CIS. I'll be sure to let you know when I've sent it in the mail. Once your copies of the home study, you'll be able to send it off for authentication.

It was great to see you at the Baby 101 class. Please don't worry about not talking with me or Kelly, we're just glad you enjoyed it! I hope Jay's knee is feeling better, that could have been a good excuse to get out of changing the doll's diaper...I will check with Kelly regarding attachment resources, but I think you're off to a good start reading books.
Let me know if you need anything else!
~Sarah

We just love Sarah! Actually, everyone at our agency has made us feel warm and fuzzy. This is the biggest and most important thing we've ever done in our lives and the staff at our agency has just made us feel as safe and assured as I did in my grandmother's arms as a child. Bartender . . . . . . Warm Fuzzies all around!

Attachment in Adoption: Do's and Don'ts for friends and family of families who adopted each other.

I stole this from someone else's blog. I have talked to my sister about these things. I am very uncomfortable with many of the things that are recommended in helping adopted children with attachment issues, but no one ever said being a parent was easy, now did they? Just like every other parent (or I wish EVERY other parent did this), we will do what is right for our child FIRST. This doesn't mean we don't love you. This doesn't mean we think you would bring harm to our child. This doesn't mean that we can't make a shift to how we all imagined our extended family would interact at some point. It just means that no one I know has ever been through what our little baby has had to endure at a very tender age. We will look to her, professionals, other adoptive parents, and spirit to guide us in helping her heal the things that got broken beyond anyone's control. It will break my heart to possibly have to break someone else's heart, but it would break my heart even more to not give my girl the best chance ever in being a whole and healed human being. Now, that I have worked myself into a tizzy over this attachment stuff, I have all ideas that Miss Saigon will arrive here and take our world by storm exclaiming "What attachment issues!? I want my MOMMY!" or either she'll bond with the cats. Just like Brooks, Bella, and Jackson have done. Hrmphhhh.

Suggested Do's and Don'ts from http://www.a4everfamily.org/

Do

1. Offer household help (running errands, preparing meals that can go right from the freezer to the oven, etc.) so the mother can spend more time holding the child.

2. Trust the mother’s instincts. Even a first time mother may notice subtle symptoms that well-meaning family and friends attribute to “normal” behavior.

3. Accept that attachment issues are difficult for anyone outside of the mother to see and understand.

4. Be supportive even if you think everything looks fine to you.

5. Allow the parents to be the center of the baby’s world. One grandfather, when greeting his grandson, immediately turns him back to his mom and says positive statements about his good mommy.

6. Tell the baby every time you see him what a good/loving/safe mommy he has.

7. When the parents need someone to care for the baby for a night out, offer to babysit in the child’s home. (After the child has been home for a substantial period of time.)

8. As hard as it may be for you, abide by the requests of the parents. Even if the baby looks like he really wants to be with Grandma, for example, he needs to have a strong attachment to his parents first. Something as simple as passing the baby from one person to another or allowing others, even grandparents, to hold a baby who is not “attached” can make the attachment process that much longer and harder. Some parents have had to refrain from seeing certain family members or friends because they did not respect the parents’ requests.

9. Accept that parenting children who are at-risk for or who suffer from attachment issues goes against traditional parenting methods and beliefs. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.

10. Remember that there is often a honeymoon period after the child arrives. Many babies do not show signs of grief, distress, or anxiety until months after they come home. If the parents are taking precautions, they are smart and should be commended and supported!


Don’t

1. Assume an infant is too young to suffer from emotional issues related to attachment. Babies are not immune.

2. Underestimate a new mother’s instincts that something isn’t right.

3. Judge the mother’s parenting abilities. What looks like spoiling or coddling may be exactly what the child needs to overcome a serious attachment disorder. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.

4. Make excuses for the child’s behaviors or try to make the mother feel better by calling certain behaviors “normal”. For example, many children who suffer from attachment issues may be labeled strong-willed by well-meaning family members. While being strong-willed can be seen as a positive personality trait, this type of behavior in an attachment-impaired child may signify problems.

5. Accuse the mother of being overly sensitive or neurotic. She is in a position to see subtle symptoms as no one else can.

6. Take it personally if asked to step back so the parents can help their child heal and form a healthy and secure attachment. You may be asked not to hold the baby for more than a minute. This is not meant to hurt you. It is meant to help prove to the baby who his mommy and daddy are. Up until now the child’s experience has been that mommies are replaceable. Allowing people to hold the baby before he has accepted his forever mommy and daddy are can be detrimental to the attachment process.

7. Put your own time frames on how long attachment should take. One mother was hurt when she was chastised by a relative who couldn’t understand…after all, the baby had been home six months. It could take weeks, months, even years. Every child is different.

8. Offer traditional parenting advice. Some well-meaning family members will tell a new mother not to pick the baby up every time he cries because it will spoil him. A child who is at-risk or who suffers from attachment issues must be picked up every single time he cries. He needs consistent reinforcement that this mommy/daddy will always take care of him and always keep him safe.

9. Fall into the appearance trap. Some babies/toddlers with attachment issues can put on a great show to those outside of the mother/father. What you see is not always a true picture of the child. Even babies as young as 6-months-old are capable of “putting on a good face” in public.

10. Lose hope. With the right kind of parenting and therapy, a child with attachment issues can learn to trust and have healthy relationships. But it does take a lot of work and a good understanding of what these children need.

Can we tawk?

I'm an '80's girl. You know . . . the era that was all about Aquanet and "self". Self-help specifically. This is where it became popular to "out" your family. To everyone! I support that entirely. It was through this process that my whacky little family all of a sudden became "par for the course". Not that it became functional mind you. Just normally bizarre, like everyone else's.

To recover from our individual experiences of being surrounded by each other's whackiness, we were all encouraged to air our feelings. I also support this entirely. It makes for good blogging material and some of the better syndicated TV shows. But what shall we call this invisible, yet overwhelming "thing" that we must talk about . . . . air . . . therapize . . . and transcend? It was called the "pink elephant in the living room." Most people and their subsequent personality dysfunctions didn't acknowledge this creature!

Imagine how inspired I was when perusing Wally World for speakers for my laptop (don't ask), I wandered into the baby section. It wasn't my fault, my cart had a few ball bearings missing from the wheel. And it was destiny. There . . . . . in aisle 28 was the symbol for a self-healthy household and sound child-rearing. A fuzzy pink elephant. While she is blissfully unaware of how whacky we are, I reckon MyMy can play with this as it does rattle. At such time that she learns that we are not the perfect parents we have perpetrated upon her, she can use this to call family meetings. When the pink elephant is in the room, we must tawk about it! And to think . . . . for $2.97, I could have had it made instead of buying 2 cars for my therapist over several years.

Welcome to the family Pinky TUSK-a-dero!!! Apologies to those of you too young to remember the series "Happy Days" with Fonzie!

My husband thinks I need a 12 step program for baby items . . .

And he could be right . . . naaa . . . let's not get carried away!

A big shoutout to Ba Jane . . . That is Grandma Jane for those of you who don't speak Vietnamese . . . . YET! She is saving things from her store for MyMy. Her closet is going to be ridiculous by the time she gets home. Just like mommy's!

These are a personal favorite! I wish they had some in my size!

Ain't this cute?





















This is 18 mos old, but perhaps it will be summer at some point when she fits into it.















This makes 5 pairs of "bloomers" she owns now!
























Cute and comfy.




















This is precious!














More cute stuff.





















Even more cute stuff














I wish the lighting was better on this, but it is adorable

This is cable knit, so she'll be fall ready too!

Could not resist this little jacket with the bunny pocket and the little pink sweater. Every girl should have one!

How much do you charge to change diapers?

My niece and nephews are the bee's knees. I adore every little hair on their witty bitty heads. Anyone who knows me knows that. So . . . . . Miss Bella just HAD to ride with me to dinner after watching her big brother play football. She is quite the little Chatty Cathy and is soon to be 6 years old in December. And like her Auntie . . . she knows EVERYTHING! I do find it quite comforting that I am not the only one in the world that does indeed know EVERYTHING!

So, we discussed how she is going to have a cousin someday. She has a first cousin now, but they rarely see each other. The concept is quite new to her. All she knows is that a baby is coming. And all she cares about is that she gets to help babysit. I told her that the baby wasn't from my "belly" although right now I could SURELY pass for 10 months pregnant. We then had a geography lesson that only a 6 year old could relate to. We talked about what she would look like and that her skin would be a little different in color and that her eyes would be slightly different and that she would probably have straight black hair when she gets older. All Bella wanted to know was if she could hold her.

You know what . . . . . if everyone that I have talked to about our MyMy had that response, the world would be blessed and it would be the way that God intended. Where did so many grown ups get so messed up? It took a 5 1/2 year old to give me new hope for people. I wish everyone saw adoption through her eyes. It is just a way to have more people to love. Which is what it is supposed to be.

Bella now wants to come stay with us when the baby gets here so she can help me. "Aunt Sharon . . . I can hold her while you work. I can feed her too and I'll even change her diapers too 'cause I know how. You'll have to pay me to change the diapers though, but I won't charge too much."

Thanks darlin! If I had a million bucks, it would be yours!

Forgot why I came on to post!

I got distracted by my post below. (Note to self: Don't read other blogs until you update your own.)

We got our dossier packet in Friday as I was headed to the surgeon's office to take Daddy in for a follow up visit. I would say "Yeah" but I wondered as I read through it and all the paper I must chase about my fair city, if anyone collapsed whilst in the midst of completing this task.

Where is my fainting smiley Jonsie?

OH . . . . Mommy also got to watch for the first time, staples being removed from human flesh over 30 times. Daddy only winced once. He elected to not get any more pain meds also.


I still need my fainting smiley!

But MyMy, our precious, Daddy doesn't want to tamper with the narcotic pain meds. Too many wonderful, loving people that we know have been taken hostage by the lure of those beastly things. We cannot afford to have anything stand in our path to get to you. And bless those dear people in our lives who are currently dealing with their own hell as a result of those things. Kitty Mom is praying for you! ((((HUGS))))

OH NO! This is me . . . being me!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew better. I did I did I did I did I did!!!!!!! And yet, I did it anyway!!!!!! Zeke . . . . . I couldn't walk away from the controversy! But I promise to try harder next time. I soooooooo didn't want my precious child's first webpage to be littered with negativity and controversy, but alas . . . .MyMy . . . . Your mama is a Mama Lion . . . . amongst other things. Those cyber friends of mine already know this. I started a tiny revolution that ended up being my own forum 4 years ago and it is still going. Perhaps I should invite some new adoptive parents there to have a refuge and not to litter their own sweet baby's blogs with doo doo. I'll think about that. At any rate . . . . Youse guys will not believe the HOT TOPIC that some are debating (read: judging/criticizing) in other PAPs (I hope I am using that right). Why do people choose to adopt girls instead of boys? EGADS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently those heartless, thoughtless, idiotic creatures such as myself have bizzare motives for wanting girls. Certainly not motives based on logic, psychology, family birth order, and anything else that warrants considerable thought and foresight. I responded to someone else's defense of themselves as they are choosing to adopt a girl as well. I didn't want to carry on too badly in her blog so I shall post my comment to her in a post of my own. And then . . . . . I'm done with this ridiculousness and people who will never know me well enough to really even give a damn why we have made the choices we have and stand by them . . . . . and we did it all by ourselves just like much of the rest of the life we have lived for 42 and 48 years without the help or approval of nitwits!

My position on why we chose to adopt a female (my comment to another PAP of a female child):

Like I just posted in my own blog, I am new to the adoption blogging world, but I am an old pro at cyber wars with words. What have I learned? I don't play with ignorant people. Life is too short. If someone has an opinion that challenges the choices my husband and I have made about ANY part of how we grow our family, then I need to know what crystal ball they use to find themselves superior enough and enlightened enough to make those judgments. Just for the record . . . we made our choice based on VERY sound logic concerning birth order, parenting dilemas, my own past (very very very personal experiences), and the possibility that this is our FIRST adoption, not our final adoption. I do not owe anyone on this planet and certainly not any thick judgmental creature in cyber space a blow by blow account of the very personal details of how we came to choose to adopt a female child (from ANY country) first. This is me . . . being a mother .. . . saying to those nitwits . . . . . BACK THE HELL UP!

p.s. Thankfully, I haven't run across this debate first hand yet, but I am glad enough to have read your position and thanks for sharing it although I do find it very sad that anyone feels compelled to justify how or why the choose to become parents to ANY child. Good luck in your journey!

I know my "Toko Chicks" aren't shocked. Actually, I'm sure they are laughing their arses off at me. You all knew I wasn't going to avoid ALL the controversy didn't you?

OK . . . . I didn't mention . . .

Two pretty big deals. I wanted to keep this blog for Precious so that she will see all the people mommy was willing to beat up to get to her, but . . . . She also might want to know what we were dealing with as we sought to slay the dragons standing between us.

Daddy (MyMy's Daddy, that is) broke his knee cap. Almost in two. We didn't know it was broken but the home study was taking place in a few days so Daddy helped mommy clean the house with a broken knee cap. After it was xrayed, it wasn't pretty but we got him to the doc as soon as they had an appointment. Surgery was scheduled almost immediately. Mommy wasn't told how serious this was by Daddy, because he knows how Mommy gets. She makes him do horrible things like FOLLOW DOCTORS ORDERS and stuff like that. Now . . . Daddy is home, 1 week post op with two gnarly looking titanium screws holding his knee cap together. He cannot drive for 2 months as he has a brace. He cannot take the brace off to shower, etc. Mommy is getting a lot of practice giving baths, preparing meals and being a chauffer. See . . .. Daddy IS helping us get ready for you in his own way!

The other thing is Linda (my stepmom) called Tuesday night. I had a gut feeling it wasn't good. And it wasn't. Long story short . . . My Daddy was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. He had been having trouble breathing and FINALLY told someone. This is not ok. I am not ok with this. And I am serious. My daddy is my hero . . . . I want him to be there when we get home with MyMy. Linda promised that she will make him follow doctors orders. He has to lose weight; he is getting meds changed; he is having a sleep study and I am convinced that he has sleep apnea which is exacerbating EVERYTHING else. I told her I wanted him on a C-Pap machine ASAP. She promised she would make him use it because I know that is what the sleep study will find. I just can't lose my Daddy right now. Daddy . . . . if you are reading this . . . . .FOLLOW DOCTORS ORDERS OR ELSE I'M COMING TO LIVE WITH YOU! And that wouldn't be pretty! Remember what a PITA I was as a child? I'm bigger and worse now!

Take care of yourselves Daddys . . . both of you . . . we love you!

Tolerable . . . . remind me I said that.

Just because I'm a newbie to adoption doesn't mean I'm green to waiting and the need for patience and frustration and disappointment to things out of my control. Although I'm sure there are people that choose adoption without ever having dealt with infertility, I don't think they are in the majority . . . . and who cares why anyone chooses adoption anyway? I certainly couldn't give a turd. In fact, however you choose to have a family is really none of my business (read: I won't debate the ridiculousness of that topic). So, having said all that, I have been reading a lot on the 'net . . . . .something I promised my dear friend in Wiltshire that I wouldn't do. Actually, I promised I stay off the adoption forums. It took about 15 minutes of perusal for some idgit to piss me right off. I never bothered to register and post. At any rate, I am used to cyber crap of all sorts . . . but I have been shocked at some of the things I've read. No need to single anyone out. I don't know these people and do not know what their motivation is. I'm sure they have had hardships that I am clueless about and they are entitled to feel what they feel and write what they will. Now . . . having said that . . . . I know if I were to write about my lack of patience this early in the process, I will be smeared by bloggers or PAPs (I've not gotten the secret codes to all these, but perhaps someone will enlighten me soon) who wish to regale me with their tales of frustration, being jerked around, etc. Bless all of you that has happened to. I'm sure I'll get in line to experience that as well. But please, please, please . . . . allow me this one estrogen surged rant . . .. . .

WHERE IS MY DAMN DOSSIER PACKET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok . . . . I feel better and I might be able to tolerate the waits. The only thing that makes this wait a little easier on the psyche is that I do get to mother a child at the end. . . . . . Mymy . . . . Mommy is pushing hard darlin (literally and figuratively) . . . .this may be one of the longest labors on record on my website!

Ok . . . have to run now and go harass the mortgage broker. And I did forget to thank the feds for the 1/2 percent interest rate reduction! SWEET! My Mutual Funds SOARED yesterday! WOOHOOO!

"Answers to these and many other questions, after this brief message from our sponsors"

If I had a dollar for every time I answered these or similar questions, I'd have enough money to pay for much of our expenses to get MyMy home. Notice the wording in the aforegoing sentence. It is like that for a reason. Keep reading.

Question 1A. Why aren't you adopting an American baby? (translation: Why aren't you adopting a WHITE baby?)

There are plenty of people standing in line to adopt these precious children and I would more than likely be waiting at least 2 years. Meanwhile, if that adoption fell through, my husband and I would be aged out of many programs internationally. This is a risk we are not willing to take when beautiful children are waiting now for people like us to love them. I hope those sweet, precious babies that happen to be white are not being adopted by small minded bigots who will breed more people like the ones that want to know why I'm not adopting a white baby.

Question 1B. Why aren't you adopting an American baby? (translation: "Deys plenty a kids in America that need good homes!)

YES! There are! Those precious children deserve loving homes. For the people that have asked me this question from a sincere perspective because they really wanted to know rather than hiding their judgment behind a question, your answer can be partially found in 1A. For those more judgmental creatures, instead of posing your Bitchy McSnipe question to me, why don't you put your heart where your mouth is and open your own home to these beautiful children. I'd even write you a great referral letter after you have completed Sensitivity Training.

Question 1C. Why aren't you adopting an NC baby? (translation: Deys plenty a kids in your backyard that need good homes where their "real" parents can't take care of them!")

AGREED!!!!! How beautiful it would be if "real parents" who were unable and/or unrehabilitatable to provide the very best care for their children would place them into the loving arms of us "fake parents". But most of these "real" parents won't relinquish their "rights" (I say that word through gritted teeth). They want to remain in a hot ghetto mess and still maintain their "right" to ruin a child's life while they try to figure out if they should choose a healthy family lifestyle or continue indulging their impulses, whatever they may be. And the state spends a great deal of resources to reunite. That is great in theory. One that I could support if the evidence that it was effective wasn't so scarce. Meanwhile, the children grow older in a temporary home, while the "real parents" get their shit together. Hmmmm . . . . . . Perhaps they should have to go through the same rigorous scrutiny that my husband and I have gone through while trying to adopt. What a concept. I'll shut up about this now. I think it is clear where I'm going with the answer to these assclowns who ask questions like this. Can you tell this whole topic pisses me off?

Question 2. Why are you paying for a child when you can get one free from the state?

If you have made it through the answers 1A-C, do you really need me to answer this?

Question 3. Why do you want a girl?

Why not?

Question 4. Will you help your child find their real mother?

Yes, that is what I am trying to do in the adoption process. I am the REAL DEAL . . . . I just need to get introduced to my REAL CHILD. And then, she will finally be in the arms of her REAL MOTHER.

Question 5. If you don't know the family of origin, how can you guarantee a healthy child?

See, that is the neat thing about other countries. They don't have the resources to completely destroy their bodies at the rate that some of us Americans do. Ergo, like the Vietnamese people, they live much of their lives eating what they grow. This natural lifestyle lends itself to healthier people. Healthier people have a tendency to nurture healthier babies in utero. The other thing is that unlike Americans, few Vietnamese people can afford healthcare like we can. Ergo, even if we knew the family of origin, it is unlikely there would be any medical information to pass on. My friend Nancy, who is Vietnamese, said that pregnant women don't really have pre-natal care because they just don't have the resources that we do, but they also don't have the issues that we have. Regardless, whatever issues that may arise, my husband and I are prepared to deal with them as a family. The same way we would if I gave birth . . . . which doesn't have any guarantees either based on what I have seen with many friends and family.

Question 6. Why does it cost so much money to adopt a child from another country if they have so many that need good homes?

The same reason it costs so much money to have a child in this country. There are people that provide services for the care of pregnant women and children and those people will be paid. They deserve to be paid. They do important work. Just because you can present an insurance card in this country and not think about the total cost of doctor visits and hospitalization or other expenses doesn't mean they don't exist. Someone is paying for the care of birthmother and child. With international adoption, most insurances (do any really?) do not pay for those expenses. So we have to. I am not paying for a child. I am paying for the services that many people provide for the care and wellbeing of my child until I am granted parental rights. I am paying for the services of organizations to make sure all the steps taken to unite my child and me are ethical. I am paying for the services of the organizations to continue to provide this sort of care for other children until they are placed with their forever families . . . . . because it is ok with me to think about people that are outside my peripheral vision. It is called humanity. It is a concept we will be passing onto our child and it starts with us.

BTW, do you work for free? If so, I am in need of plenty of services if you care to start practicing your altruistic tendencies on someone. Just let me know!

Question 7. Aren't you and your husband too old to be thinking about a young child?

According to Neale Donald Walsch in one of his Conversations with God books, people under 40 should HAVE the children, but people over 40 are best equipped to raise them. I didn't say it . . . . I'm just repeating it! I think the idea behind this was that the older we get, in general, the wiser we get. This is certainly true for my husband and myself. While we may grunt and moan with minor aches and pains, we will cheerfully (remind me I said that!) get out of bed at 3am to put the binkie back in her mouth and sing off key until she floats back into "seepy night night" time.

Question 8. Why would you even consider tampering with the equity in your home or your retirement to adopt? Why don't you just wait and save the rest of the money since you have already saved over half so far?

After 4 years of infertility resulting in 3 pregnancy losses, I think we have waited quite long enough, thanks for asking. And if you aren't wise enough to ask the question "What is money REALLY worth?" then you couldn't understand my answer anyway. What is so great about having a big fat house or a big fat retirement account if we spend the next 20 years feeling robbed of the gift of parenthood? For those that have never struggled to be parents or do not enjoy your tenure as a parent, you won't get my answer either. Money only means something when you use it to invest in your spirit. My spirit didn't calm down until we wrote the first check on our adoption journey. Besides . . . . since we are over 40 and wise (see answer above), we know how to avoid those money traps that so many people stumble into. We'll be fine . . . . and if not, WalMart can always use more greeters!

P.S. If you are really THAT worried, we are accepting giftcards to our local credit union! *wink, wink*

Question 9. Why adopt a child if you are going back to work eventually?

It is called daycare or a nanny. Families all over the country place their children in the care of nurturing people every day while they earn a living to provide opportunities that they might not otherwise be able to provide. That doesn't make me a bad mom any more than it makes you a bad person for asking such a guilt-ladden, assinine question as that. I have seen children thrive in SAH situations and in working parent situations. I have also seen them flounder in both. I think it has more to do with the parents ultimately. BTW, how are YOUR children doing?

Question 10. Do you think you could love an adopted child like you would your own child . . . . I mean, really?

Are you kidding me? At this point, if you are thick enough to ask someone like me a question like this, then the best you can hope to get is me, looking back at you with my head tilted a la the RCA Dog, going "Huh?" The next thing you will see is the back of me arse . . . . which is not very attractive I might add.

Then you will promptly be removed from my Outlook contacts and my Christmas party invitee list. FOREVER! And no . . . .I don't understand what you were trying to say . . . . . really. And I don't think me dropping several IQ points to try and understand you would help either of us. Just GO AWAY! Buh Bye!

These are kinda like my version of D. Letterman's Top Ten. Now that I have these documented, I can't wait to see what else people come up with. For their sakes, I do hope it is not while I'm having my monthly estrogen surge.