Get a Cup O' Joe . . . . this is a long one.

I know how the Gub’ment works . . . I’ve seen them in action. MANY times. When they threaten you with a big fat DENIED across ANYTHING you need from them, they mean it! I think they get bonuses based on how many things they can deny. So . . . . cut to Camera 1: Saturday, October 20, 2007. We are off to Charlotte to USCIS-Land. We are to be fingerprinted by the Feds. Yeah. With much anxiety, I recall my letter of appointment for these fingerprints. They are clear. VERY clear. If you cannot make this appointment, you must reschedule AHEAD of time. If you do not reschedule via email AHEAD of time and you do not appear, your I600A will automatically be denied. If you do not show up at your designated appointed time, your I600A will be denied. I know people who have worked with USCIS on other issues and they assure me that this is no joke. I believe them. It took me almost 3 months just to get a stupid appointment with them after they received my I600A. According to their processing times and notice in my letter, it will probably take them another 3 months to make a determination. Fine.

From my house to Charlotte is approximately a 3 hour drive. Our appointment is at 3pm. Not a problem. But oops! Our agency has scheduled a seminar titled “First Months Home” led by a panel of parents who are in various stages of the “being at home” phase. More about this later. That class was from10am to noon. I let the agency know that we might pull out a little early but we will still have plenty of time because the class is in Chapel Hill which is only a little over 2 hours from Charlotte. I figure if we left by 11:30 like I planned, we would have a 1.5 hour comfort zone in case the flying monkeys (think Wizard of Oz and the witch) were turned loose on the Interstate. For those of you lucky souls who have never had to travel between Greensboro and Charlotte on I85, you won’t understand the flying monkeys. And you won’t understand why I needed a 1.5 hour comfort zone. For those of you that HAVE made that trek, you already know what is coming.

Well, we didn’t leave the class when I wanted but were on the road at noon after cutting out a tiny bit early. That’s ok . . . an hour is plenty of time since everything else has gone so well in this adoption process so far (note to self: IT’S A TRAP!). I decided I could stop being Paranoid Patty. We zoom along on our journey until we both are hungry at the same time (this RARELY happens!). Daddy thinks it would be a good idea to sit down and eat inside Wendy’s rather than eating on the road. Hmm. . . . my gut check says no, but my brain is feeling pretty smart so I agree that we have plenty of time still. Leaving Wendy’s we have 30 minutes of comfort zone time and this is a little too close for comfort for me. Not to worry . . . no flying monkeys yet.

*SCREACHING TO A HALT* A few miles from Spencer North Carolina, my worst fears come to fruition. Traffic is at a dead stop. NOOOOOOO, not on I85! The entire interstate is stalled. This is not good. Not good at all. And no, we do not have GPS. Traffic starts to inch. Perhaps it was a wreck that they are clearing as we speak. No need to panic, but what the hell. I panic anyway because I’m long overdue for a demonic possession. Traffic is running at 8mph. I panic more. I start to cry. Daddy is getting noticeably uncomfortable. Good . . . now we match. I start leering at him. It is all his fault. I can’t blame the poor people who had the wreck. That would be rude. But wait . . . traffic is being detoured. WE ARE SAVED! But wait . . . it is through the tiny town of Spencer with stop lights at every other block. The speed limit is 35mph, thanks for the warning, but given that the entire interstate is being routed through this tiny town, we are not moving AGAIN! I start beating the steering wheel. The profanity is getting worse. I’m pretty sure I even growled a few times at the stupid other drivers that were in between me and becoming a mom. I think I scared a few. Turns out, I reckon I became their flying monkey! Daddy has enough of dealing with me and gets in the back of the truck. How stupid was that!? If by some act of God we start moving, then I have this dude in a leg brace (he just had knee surgery, more about that later) in the bed of a truck going 80mph down the interstate. Now he is really on my doo doo list. I screech louder. I purposefully keep hitting the brake to signify how unhappy I am with him. He gets the message. He orders me out of the driver’s side. I vomit some choice words at him and get in the passenger’s side because as luck would have it, cars started to move. Not sure if they were trying to get away from us or not. Suffice it to say, we won’t be including that on our “family videos” to Viet Nam. In defense of me (and God knows I need one) I was dealing with emotions and illogical thought processes that were the root of my behavior and reactions. More about those later. Daddy takes charge. He flies by about 15 or so cars and cuts in front of an Semi that was not turning at the green light for no logical reason. We are back on I85. We get about 2-3 miles and see the junction of business 85 and I 85 where the wreck was. THAT part of the traffic flow was at a dead stop and people were out of their cars. It must have been bad. My only saving grace was that I at least had the presence of mind to say a little prayer for those poor people involved because I knew back when traffic was rerouted that it must have been bad enough for someone to die. We were 45 minutes from USCIS. Still dealing with some of the slower traffic due to the accident, I knew we wouldn’t even be close. It was 2:40pm. We would never make it. We didn’t give up though. I decided I was desperate enough to grab someone’s ankles and beg if I had to for them to let us in. Daddy would vouch for the fact that I would spew green stuff and spin my head around if they didn’t take my prints. We arrive at 3:30pm. They were closing at 4pm.

But WAIT . . . .what is this? There is NO ONE in line. There were about 6 workers and no “customers”! It was obvious to the lady covering the desk that I had been crying. I had my letters in hand telling her I knew about the rules and we left in plenty of time but there was this horrible accident. She knew all about it. It was breaking news. People died in that accident. She told me to relax, it wasn’t a problem. So I asked about all the verbiage and the horror stories about DENIALS, being on time, etc. She laughed. Said they just put that in there and she didn’t know why! I wasn’t laughing. It wasn’t funny at all to me. I was horrible to my husband, we drove at dangerous speeds, and I lost a few EQ points just to do what I was told so that I wasn’t one of those victims of the Feds that people have shared morbid tales about. So that I wouldn’t lose another baby. It wasn’t funny. I get my prints taken. Daddy gets his prints taken. I feel hungover. I feel angry. I feel like I need to get off government premises immediately.

On the drive back, Daddy is fine and tries to distract me by chatting about inconsequential matters. It isn’t working well. I am in an emotional process and I can’t be interrupted. It is like taking clothing from the washer after the agitation cycle but before the rinse and spin cycle. I think back to the class from that morning. No one asked about attachment issues until I did. You know . . . the ones that everyone is writing about. The ones that have books written about them. The ones that make adopting a child from an orphanage a little scary even though you are going to do it anyway and pray that you have what it takes to raise a healthy, happy child that knows who mommy and daddy are and are capable of receiving the love the mommy and daddy want to give him/her. The attachment issues that keep coming up in blog after blog and book after book and website after website? Those issues. I needed to know about them so I could help my child when she gets home. So I could be the mom she deserves. THOSE are the issues I need to hear about. NOW! Without exception, the people on the panel said “What attachment issues?” They all adopted from different countries and were at different phases of being at home. One lady adopted a 2 yo and 4yo from Russia that had been in an orphanage since they were born. She said the 4 yo had some issues, but she felt they were largely language barriers. She said at age 9, she is showing some behavior that may be related to attachment, but were not certain. Regardless, none of what they dealt with would fall into the attachment issues category. I was told by all of them that if I am looking for something, I will surely find a smidge of behavior and swear it is attachment issue related. Then the director of our agency spoke up. She is the mother of 4 adopted children. She agreed 100%. She said that we don’t hear about the families that go smoothly because they don’t sell books on those. I think back to the emails I have exchanged with some loverly families who are home with their children from VN. NOT ONE OF THEM had attachment issues to work through. I know other PAPs are like me and only want to arm themselves with all the information to be the best parents they can be. I have read their blogs. They are loverly people. They must be a bit scared too. I don’t blame them. There is so much hype about these children from orphanages that for those of us who do not even know who our children are yet, we want to start protecting them now. I get it. Then there were the NOIDS I wrote about a few posts ago. Do you want to know how many hits I got from google searches from poor PAPs absolutely terrified about those? I did it too. I don’t blame them a bit. It is soul shredding to read those words when you are adopting a child from another part of the world. To go through what we go through only to be turned away by our own government and not allowed to bring our children home? It takes my breath away to think about it. But that isn’t the norm. It is very rare. And now, I trust that it is very rare.

I’m sitting in the truck on the way home thinking of how upset and anxious I have been through this process of becoming a mom. I am forced to look at the facts. Those facts include that I believe we have chosen the best agency for us. I absolutely trust them 1000%. They have been true from the very beginning. I have moved through the very beginning stage of adoption to dossier submission at lightening speed (well, in adoption world anyway) because I am driven and I’m with an agency that held my hand the entire way, coaching me on what to do next and how to get it done when I wanted it done. I have “met” some awesome people so far and I’m positive I will meet tons more. My agency’s ethics are beyond reproach. The other adopted families have been honest and forthcoming with info. They have no reason to lie to me. Those are the facts. So why was I so upset? Because I believed all the hype and propaganda. I’m pissed at the Feds for making statements they did not intend to back up. I’m pissed at the Feds because they have phones in buildings that I have been told for 2 months had no way to be contacted. How much anxiety could have been mitigated if only I had a way to call them and let them know what was going on? Why did they get to distribute communication that essentially had me convinced that I would be denied my child if I was a millisecond late? I’m furious with them for that. I’m angry about the horror stories I’ve been told about them. I’m upset that I have put so much focus on how to deal with my child’s attachment issues because from what I hear, I’d do better reading up on the country of VN. From what I understand, I’d do better focusing on preparing the nursery. From what I hear, I’d enjoy my husband more until the baby comes home. But what am I doing? I’m reacting to the REACTORS of the world. I’m reacting to the people that only share part of the information. I’m reacting to anticipatory anxiety brought on by feeding into the doomsday side of me that is connected to the doomsday side in others. And I am pissed off about that. For those of you starting on your adoption journey, please do yourselves a favor . . . . focus on why you are doing all the work you are doing and trust your instincts. It is ok to believe that it will work out. It is ok to believe in your agency. It is ok to believe you have what it takes to be a good parent. It is ok to decorate the nursery. It is ok to look at the baby section in Target. It is ok to think about names. It is ok to be happy after having lost a baby that you once carried. It is ok to believe that life ISN’T out to get you. It is ok to believe that other people want to see you with a child of your own just as much as you do. And it is ok to ignore all the negative people in and out of the adoption world who are raining on your parade. Which is what I am going to start doing. For four years I worked harder that I have for anything in my whole life to become a mom. Now . . .motherhood isn’t far from my doorstep. Instead of worrying about what attachment issues my child might have, I think I shall focus on getting mommy squared away emotionally to stop expecting the worst to happen. I think that would be a better gift to my daughter. I am a very intense person, not prone to frivolity. Well, at age 42, I think I am entitled and require a little frivolity, dammit! It is long overdue! I’ll fix the world later!

Thank you for reading, if you have made it this far. Those of you insightful creatures have probably figured out that my meltdown was only triggered by the backed up traffic on the way to the FBI and that I have been carrying a lot of baggage that I didn’t even realize. I feel like I just went to therapy. Good! I needed it.
Now . . . . how about those cute little hair bows I got for my girl!

P.S. I’d like to give a Shout Out to my friend whose child is in Guatemala. I feel silly carrying on about my stuff when she is in knots over two governments who can’t seem to get their doo doo together on the precious children in that country and let them get home to their parents. I think a revolution might be in order, my dear! I’m in!

Not a happy post . . . .

I was traumatized this weekend. We had our fingerprinting appointment with the FBI.

I will write more later, but if anyone reading this blog is just starting out on the adoption process, do yourself a favor . . . . . .

Don't believe all the horror stories you read about. And that means with ANY portion of the adoption process. Suffice it to say that I got so upset at a series of events on Saturday, that I am still in tears about what happened and how I reacted today. The part that is most horrible??? The horror stories I've read didn't come to fruition, but my fears surrounding them are what caused me the most heartache.

I want to go into more detail about what happened when I can do it without clenching my teeth and without the alligator tears in my eyes.

End result . . . . everything is ok now . . . . . no thanks to all the "panic buttons" that got pushed.

Whatcha think about these diaper bags?

I kinda like #2, the red one . . . . .

Today's post is sponsored by the letter "A"

Daddy and I went to Dilly Dally, and upscale baby boutique. More about that later! To celebrate arriving at the "Middle-mester" in adoption world, we bought MyMy 2 little bows . . . . For those that don't know, "MyMy" is just my little Vietnamese nickname I'm using for my daughter so I don't give away her real name . . . . for now.

I AM NOT A GEEK!

I just play one on TV . . . and from time to time, I have to rehearse in public. This is the last 36 hours of my life. . . . give or take a few minutes.

October 15, 9:15 am~Arrive at the Secretary of State's office after having "jogged" down the block with my DDD's swinging vulgarly to and fro. It was not a pretty sight. Tried to look calm as I was huffing for breath through the big double doors. Gladys, the state worker didn't buy it. She took my documents with a smug smirk on her face as if to say "She thinks she hustled to get here this morning, wait til she finds out she has to come back after I find a mistake in her paperwork." I stare back at her with an equally smug look while thinking "Don't even think about it bitch . . . .I work at a law firm and I'm detail oriented to a science aside from that. My documents pass muster . . . . just please don't find the one thing that no normal human being would take issue with that I KNEW I should have fixed when I had the chance but didn't b/c I knew that I was going to be dealing with a rational human being at the government office."

9:18am~Another pleasant lady walks in with a tot and a package looking a lot like mine. We chat and discover that we are both adopting from VN. She tells me that she is from Charlotte and is staying at a hotel so she can pick these documents up rather than have them mailed. Those of us who have hunted these documents with the voracity of a Jack Russell Terrier understand why she made the 3 hour trip and got a hotel room. She also met a cyber friend the night before who was adopting from VN and lived in a city only 25 minutes from me. Hmmm . . . . . I wondered aloud what her friend's name was as one of the first people I "met" in Blogworld adopting from VN was from this same city. Her friend . . . . LuLu's Mom!!!!!! OMG we both gasped! We are almost related now! How loverly!

9:20am~Gladys is a blood hound. She found the only mistake. Get this. My employment verification was notarized by a coworker. I, being the Uber efficient GEEK that I am, ran the form document on our letter head and took the liberty of typing in all the notary information. Most notaries use an initial for the first or middle name, their full first or middle name and their last name. My coworker spelled out her entire 3 names. I typed in "Mary S. Smith" instead of Mary Susan Smith. No biggie. She signed Mary Susan Smith. It matched her notary seal. I didn't even HAVE to type in Mary S. Smith. I was just being efficient. But b/c I did type it in and it didn't EXACTLY match, GLADYS cast her shit-eating grin upon me and returned my form as unacceptable. I would have to completely redo the form.

9:21am~Catherine, Lulu's mom's friend, said "OMG, I cannot believe you are so calm. If that happened to me, I'd lose it." I knew I had to be strong for her (hahahahahaahahaha!). And I knew I couldn't let Gladys see me sweat.

9:22am~I cast my bigger shit-eating grin at Gladys. "Well, you look like you are reasonable. If I can have this form redone and back here within an hour or so, can I pick up my entire dossier AUTHENTICATED by 4:30 this afternoon?" Gladys looked at me and with a "Name that tune!" kinda tone in her voice said "Sure . . . . . . "

9:22:30am~I bolt out the door yelling "Good luck" to Catherine, DDD's back in action!

11:00am~I redid the form. It is perfect. I sway casually through the double doors again. Gladys is surprised to see me, but tries to hide it. My new form passes muster. On the way out I get ballsy. "Do you think I could pick those up by 4pm instead of 4:30pm?" I must have impressed Gladys . . . . she said "Sure, honey . . . they should be ready."

I WON!

4:01pm~I'M BAAAAAAACK! Dossier in hand, docs that do not require authentication in a separate labelled folder and the Fed Ex pack all ready to go. I grab my authenticated documents, review them, and get a little misty. I've worked so hard to get to this point. I drive back to work, drop the package off and feel like life as I know it is about to change.

October 16, 1:30am~Can't sleep .. . . . . .

10:23am~Placing agency receives dossier. Play phone tag with M. @ agency.

1:45pm~Speak to M. at agency. Here are the numbers: we are number 19 on the list, but that doesn't mean anything because . . . . . . .

We are number 8 in line for a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone else wants boys!!!!!

The average wait time based on historical data is 4 months. The longest wait for a referral is 6 months. We might possibly have a referral by Valentine's Day or a little after. Although with the holidays, it could get pushed back. I'm just grateful to be out of the paperchase and officially waiting!!!!!! Remind me I said that January 31 ok?

One thing of note. Detail oriented people will notice that I still don't have the 171H. So I'll go ahead and address that now. Because NC residents are being made to wait so long for approval, they are not requiring that be done in order to be on the wait list. Based on the info from USCIS, in the event we get a referral before we get our 171H, we can request expedited processing and the approval is automatically sent to the Embassy in VN. I am sure we'll get our 171H long before a referral, but these procedures are in place if we need them.

That's all folks!!!!

8

That is the most beautiful number in the world.

What could it possibly mean????????????

This kinda thing is why I LOVE my placing agency so much!

DAMN internet! It is my blessing and my curse! I found several little blurbs last night discussing how 4 poor families were kept apart after traveling to VN because of NOIDS (Notice of Intent to Deny) from the US government which will not allow them to bring their children home. I am told there are several reasons for this . . . . the most insidious being suspicion of unethical adoption practices by an agency/facilitator and other less unsavory things. Reading the info, my heart just sunk for those families and the requisite terror of a PAP set in. I get verklempt now just thinking about it. So . . . I had to do it. Neurotica was up at 1:30am firing off an email to the placing agency, who, btw, has NEVER ONCE given me a reason to doubt them.

My email to 3 people:

I'm not panicking . . . . Just inquiring. I panicked last night.

*exhale*

Not sure if you all have gotten wind of 4 families that were issued NOIDS this week in VN. The news has made its way into cyberspace. I'd rather not know anything about them myself, but just for sanity's sake . . . . Have you all ever had a NOID issued for VN families? Just tell me "No" and I can go back to being blissfully ignorant.

This was my VN Coordinator's response. I really dig that they endorse "flags" being thrown on a play in situations that warrant a child/VN family being protected.

Hi Sharon,

Please do not panic! NOIDS are the kind of things that sound horribly scary, but are in fact relatively rare and, in a sense, a good thing (as it means the right precautions are being taken). But, no, (placing agency) has never had a family be issued a NOID!

Thanks,

Mary Beth

*WHEW*

GULP

. . . . Had a really nice chat with the VN coordinator at my adoption agency today. That's all I'll say for now.

*where is my bouncing up and down clapping smiley?*

YEAH! I got my first official "Here's Your Sign" comment!

I love Bill Engvall . . . . he is the comedian that does the "Here's Your Sign" stuff, in case you didn't know. The idea is that people that are a few fries short of a happy meal or a few letters shy of a full keyboard should wear signs letting the rest of us know where they are on the food chain.

Actually . . . . I got TWO of these comments in the same day this past weekend! Don't get me wrong, I've had some ignorant comments made to me so far, but not specifically about my baby in particular, just dumb comments about the process in general. See this link:http://sharonchronicles-adoption.blogspot.com/2007/09/answers-to-these-and-many-other.html

Incident #1

So, I'm at my mother's store pillaging through the 6-9 month section and pulling out my latest items (MyMy's closet is 1/2 way full and I am still paperchasin'!) when this really sweet mom struck up a conversation. She had a 1 month old and 2 other children that were 3 and 6. She probably has a good idea when children do things developmentally. She asked if my baby was with Daddy since she couldn't get a visual on who all these clothes were for.

Then my mother pipes up "WE are adopting from Viet Nam. WE don't have the baby yet, but WE are getting things ready for her when she gets here so." I just love that my mother is so psyched about this!

The young mom says "Viet Nam?? Do you know how old of a child you will be getting?"

Me: "I am guessing that our baby will be between 6 months and 12 months. I think the average is 8-9 months."

Young mom: "Will she speak Vietnamese?"

Me: *are you kidding me? look on my face* "No . . . . . . did your children speak English by the time they were 12 months old?"

Young mom: "OH . . . duh . . . . . "

Me: *burst out laughing to lighten the mood*

Incident #2

I leave my mother's store and go to Diva Girl to get my hair did. I love this woman. She is so awesome! We chat about what is new in adoption land and she starts telling me about this great new place for me to buy maternity clothes.

*crickets churping in background*

HERE'S YOUR SIGN

We both ended up laughing our heinies silly about that one.

This is gonna be fun!

AND IF ONE MORE PERSON!

Asks me to do something or expects that I should have just read their neurotic, self-centered mind and figured out what they wanted me to do, I'm gonna go Madea on their ass!

Sorry to have littered your sweet little blog with adult turd issues MyMy. Mommy will place nice now . . . . . ok, I'll try hard to play nice . . . . . . ok, I'll think about playing nice.

ARGH! I promise not to commit any crimes then!

Yeah Team!!!!

Just got an email from my favorite social worker of all time!

HOME STUDY IS BEING FED EX'D TO USCIS TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We will be getting our copy via USPS so I can get that authenticated and wrap up my dossier.

'Scuse me while I kiss the sky!

Think I need to make a phone call

I cannot get that little boy off my mind. He is obviously walking and most children are adopted before they are walking in VN. I wonder if he has special needs. I just want him. I don't know why, but I just do. I don't even know if my agency works with that orphanage or not. The agency that I do know that works with them has their VN program shut down right now. How in the world am I gonna find that child? "Excuse me . . . . I saw a picture of a little boy in white shorts in a Tam Ky orphanage that is adorable and has my name written all over his birth certificate? Know which one I'm talking about? Good . . . . I WANT HIM!" Why do I do this to myself!? Now I can't rest until I find out about that little boy. And why am I drawn to him so much? They DID approve me for 2 children, ya know . . . . . . and all my friends at the Psychic Friends Network told me they saw me with a boy . . . . . . . Hmmmmmm. . . . .

I want him!

I was looking at some photos of someone who is currently in VN bringing their child home. This orphanage happens to be an orphanage that I have seen before in piccies from another couple that we met. So . . . . as I'm flipping through, this little boy in the white shorts/top ensemble just leaps off the page at me. He reminds me of a Vietnamese version of my precious little nephew Brooks. I want him! I swear I'd be on a plane tomorrow if they would let me bring him home. I just wanna give him a big old squishy hug. Don't you? You know, if we were blessed to be in a position to bring home two children, I just don't think I could say no.

"Lights, Camera, Action . . . . and cue tears"

I knew this was coming. And I knew what it was going to say. I lived this story so I knew. So why in the world did I get all verklempt reading my home study draft? This isn't even like getting a referral necessarily, but the tears flew anyway. I swear if I didn't know better (and I DO know better!), you'd think I was pregnant! I guess I get to "enjoy" the symptoms even though Miss MyMy isn't passing through my uterus huh? Good argument for being born in the heart being at least as profound as being born of me physically. This just kinda feels like a little milestone . . . you know . . . one of those milestones that isn't the "biggest" deal, and isn't a surprise, but a milestone nonetheless.

Sarah, who most of you reading my blog know is my social worker, took great care and consideration as she described our lives before, during and after our marriage. I didn't realize how much I talked about my niece and nephews, but those mentions were all over my HS. And you know what else? My crazy little family does make for good reading. Out of all the paragraphs contained in this document, this was the part that sent me over the edge. I bypassed the tissues and went straight for the shirt to wipe the tears from my face . . . . just like little Brooks would do!

*final entry on HS*

Approval
Exercising its authority as a child-placing agency licensed by the North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services, *************** Adoption Services is pleased to approve Sharon L******* M********** B********** and John “Jay” T******** B******** for the adoption of up to two children, age birth to three years old from Vietnam.
*********** Adoption Services agrees to provide post-placement supervision, including any related follow-up to the child-placing agency, orphanage or other source, and assistance as considered necessary for the entire family unit and the adopted child in particular.
This Preplacement Assessment is respectfully submitted by **********’s Staff Social Worker, Sarah ***********, BSW and is valid for eighteen months from the approval date in accordance with North Carolina laws.

Ahhh . . . . I feel a little better now!

This International adoptive parenting blogworld thingy is a trip! I have noticed that many people are reluctant (and I do get why) to discuss their agency in open blog forum. Having read so much discussion about the ethics of the agency, I was a tiny bit worried that ours wasn't ethical enough if we were putzing right along at what in the adoption world is warp speed (only 4 more months 'til I can officially complain about the USCIS being slow!) I felt as though we did the research and took word of mouth recommendations very seriously. I really began to question things as we continue smoothly along so far in this process. I know some people have had some challenges to overcome with their agencies so I have been waiting for those, but my agency seems to be moving along in a moderate and steady pace with me. I know that some people throw flags on the play if an agency seems to be efficient and steady and it brings their ethics into question (no where else on the planet is this the case, mind you!) I'm really worried! Something has to go terribly wrong, right? I am the poster girl for Murphy's Law! So far, the only thorn in my paw has been everyone's favorite . . . USCIS! They are enough to make the Pope cuss. But my agency . . . . so far, I'm still lovin' them. Remind me I said this when I hit my big bumps in the road!

So . . . . imagine how comforted I was to pop on one of the more popular blogs of someone who has been home from VN for a year now and find that my agency was on her SHORT list of agencies she considers ethical. I knew I could trust my gut, but I so appreciate the validation!

Ahhhhhhhh . . . . . .

Credit card app, catalogue, refinancing opportunity . . . . . USCIS LETTER!!!??????

Holy shyte!!!!!!!

Secretly . . . .or not so secretly . . . depending on who is reading this blog, I have been seething about it taking so long to get a fingerprint appointment with USCIS. Well . . . . today it came! We travel to Charlotte on October 20, a Saturday no less! I guess they do that since they won't let us go to an FBI satellite office 25 minutes from our house! But anyway . . . . WE GOT THE APPOINTMENT!!!!!

Now, I be so confrused! I thought I was supposed to get an official LID letter from them by which I could go online and see "what up". I got a cash register receipt saying they got my money. But no where on the appointment do I see that code everyone has been talking about that I am supposed to use.

I think this is kind of a big deal or something. . . . . The letter says that because they are so behind in processing in NC, that I shouldn't expect a 171H before late November to late January. Further, they told me not to contact them about a 171H until after February 10, 2008. Hmmmm . . . . they must have me confused with someone that follows directions.

More to follow. I'm a little emotional right now and Adoption Stories: Guatemala is on. BooHooo . . . . .

OH WOW! We aren't child abusers!!! GROOVY! . . . . NEXT!

Did I say how much I loved Sarah????? This is another email she just sent me:


From: Sarah@**************.org [mailto:Sarah@************.org]
Sent: Tuesday, October 02, 2007 3:23 PM
To: *********, Sharon
Subject: RE: D'oh! I forgot to ask

Sharon,

I forgot to tell you that your child abuse clearances came in the mail last week.

Sarah


This was my response:


OH GOOD!!! Glad to know I didn't lapse into a psychosis and abuse any children while in an altered state! HA!!!! You know . . . Do other people worry about criminal checks and abuse checks like this even though they KNOW they haven't done anything wrong???? Or am I the MOST neurotic person you have ever worked with? Wait . . . Not sure I want to know the answer to that!

Thanks Sarah!

The email in question?????

Sarah, our social worker, referred to an email I sent her a couple of hours ago. Just thought I'd share it with you all so that you can see what she was talking about. I imagine it would be hard to figure out how I could crack someone up with an email about an education form, but . . . . then again . . . look who we're talking about here . . . MyMy's mom! CHA CHA!

Hi Sarah and Kelly!

Sarah, I am attaching a copy of our completed and signed Education Form for our home study. I am forwarding the original in the mail today, but wanted you to have it as soon as possible for the home study completion. After what we have learned, it is clear how much more we HAVE to learn. I feel like what I've learned so far is just how much I don't know, if that makes any sense. I can diaper the bum,mix the formula and rock-a-bye baby 'til the cows come home. It is the other stuff that we've never had experience with that we need to "make like a sponge" about. Specifically, attachment issues are of great interest to us. Kelly, if {our placing agency} is sponsoring or knows about any more opportunities for us to be more educated in this area, I'll buy front row seats. We are both currently reading Attaching in Adoption. I am scouring the internet (which can cause great anxiety!) as well for information. My sister told me that if I go too overboard, my child might dip herself in Crisco just to try to slip out of my grip and get away from me. Yikes! So, I am trying to not go overboard, but rather, to find out what is reasonable to expect and what I need to be prepared to do from our very first day as a family. I figure, as with anything else in life, there is a happy, yet elusive, medium that would probably be the best approach in dealing with attachment issues and I am determined to find it. We are pretty early in reading the book I mentioned above but I am getting the sense that our child will be the guiding light in what we need to be doing to bridge the gap of her not having parents the first few months of her life. I imagine, if she is anything like my sister's children, she will be telling us what to do about a lot of things!

One more thing; I'm sorry I didn't get an opportunity to speak with either of you at the Baby 101 class. I was a little caught up in thinking about the attachment issues the instructor talked about and got a little emotional for some reason. I knew that if I tried to talk to either of you, I might start crying thinking about those little babies in the orphanages that could come and live with me right now! Sarah has seen me cry . . . . it isn't pretty. So I figured I would spare both of you! Oh . . . . and the thing that I learned in class that shocked me the most is that my husband has NEVER changed a diaper! Not even a peepee diaper! After 9.5 years of having regular contact and babysitting our niece and nephews (2 of which were in diapers at the same time) I can't believe he managed to weasel out of diaper duty for so long without me noticing! There was no way he was getting out of that room without repenting by having to diaper Betsy Wetsy in front of a crowd. The class was $10.00, but that moment was PRICELESS!

Thanks for all that you do!

Home Study update . . .

Not much to update really, but Mommy and Daddy have completed the education requirements for our home study and placing agency. Actually, we completed it a few days ago, but I just didn't send in the form. And GUESS WHAT!? This form didn't have to be notarized! Shocking isn't it! Everything else we've done has had to be notarized and/or authenticated by the Secretary of State. PHFFFFFFT! No mountain is too high to climb to get to MyMy!!!! Piece A Cake!!! I sent it off via USPS and via email today in pdf form.



OH WOW!!! As I was posting this, I got an email message from my agency . . . . DANG! They are fast! A response in 2.5 hours! Let's see what Ms. Sarah has to say.





OH Groovy! I sent 2 emails to my agency about the home study status and to make sure we have finished our requirements after submitting the education form. This is what Ms. Sarah had to say:


Hi Sharon!

As usual, your emails are cracking me up. Let's see...Thank you for the education form, I will include that in your home study. You're home study is beginning the editing phase and will then be sent to you for review and to answer any remaining questions that may be left after finishing the original draft. After that, if there are no huge corrections, we can have it notarized and sent to you and CIS. I'll be sure to let you know when I've sent it in the mail. Once your copies of the home study, you'll be able to send it off for authentication.

It was great to see you at the Baby 101 class. Please don't worry about not talking with me or Kelly, we're just glad you enjoyed it! I hope Jay's knee is feeling better, that could have been a good excuse to get out of changing the doll's diaper...I will check with Kelly regarding attachment resources, but I think you're off to a good start reading books.
Let me know if you need anything else!
~Sarah

We just love Sarah! Actually, everyone at our agency has made us feel warm and fuzzy. This is the biggest and most important thing we've ever done in our lives and the staff at our agency has just made us feel as safe and assured as I did in my grandmother's arms as a child. Bartender . . . . . . Warm Fuzzies all around!

Attachment in Adoption: Do's and Don'ts for friends and family of families who adopted each other.

I stole this from someone else's blog. I have talked to my sister about these things. I am very uncomfortable with many of the things that are recommended in helping adopted children with attachment issues, but no one ever said being a parent was easy, now did they? Just like every other parent (or I wish EVERY other parent did this), we will do what is right for our child FIRST. This doesn't mean we don't love you. This doesn't mean we think you would bring harm to our child. This doesn't mean that we can't make a shift to how we all imagined our extended family would interact at some point. It just means that no one I know has ever been through what our little baby has had to endure at a very tender age. We will look to her, professionals, other adoptive parents, and spirit to guide us in helping her heal the things that got broken beyond anyone's control. It will break my heart to possibly have to break someone else's heart, but it would break my heart even more to not give my girl the best chance ever in being a whole and healed human being. Now, that I have worked myself into a tizzy over this attachment stuff, I have all ideas that Miss Saigon will arrive here and take our world by storm exclaiming "What attachment issues!? I want my MOMMY!" or either she'll bond with the cats. Just like Brooks, Bella, and Jackson have done. Hrmphhhh.

Suggested Do's and Don'ts from http://www.a4everfamily.org/

Do

1. Offer household help (running errands, preparing meals that can go right from the freezer to the oven, etc.) so the mother can spend more time holding the child.

2. Trust the mother’s instincts. Even a first time mother may notice subtle symptoms that well-meaning family and friends attribute to “normal” behavior.

3. Accept that attachment issues are difficult for anyone outside of the mother to see and understand.

4. Be supportive even if you think everything looks fine to you.

5. Allow the parents to be the center of the baby’s world. One grandfather, when greeting his grandson, immediately turns him back to his mom and says positive statements about his good mommy.

6. Tell the baby every time you see him what a good/loving/safe mommy he has.

7. When the parents need someone to care for the baby for a night out, offer to babysit in the child’s home. (After the child has been home for a substantial period of time.)

8. As hard as it may be for you, abide by the requests of the parents. Even if the baby looks like he really wants to be with Grandma, for example, he needs to have a strong attachment to his parents first. Something as simple as passing the baby from one person to another or allowing others, even grandparents, to hold a baby who is not “attached” can make the attachment process that much longer and harder. Some parents have had to refrain from seeing certain family members or friends because they did not respect the parents’ requests.

9. Accept that parenting children who are at-risk for or who suffer from attachment issues goes against traditional parenting methods and beliefs. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.

10. Remember that there is often a honeymoon period after the child arrives. Many babies do not show signs of grief, distress, or anxiety until months after they come home. If the parents are taking precautions, they are smart and should be commended and supported!


Don’t

1. Assume an infant is too young to suffer from emotional issues related to attachment. Babies are not immune.

2. Underestimate a new mother’s instincts that something isn’t right.

3. Judge the mother’s parenting abilities. What looks like spoiling or coddling may be exactly what the child needs to overcome a serious attachment disorder. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.

4. Make excuses for the child’s behaviors or try to make the mother feel better by calling certain behaviors “normal”. For example, many children who suffer from attachment issues may be labeled strong-willed by well-meaning family members. While being strong-willed can be seen as a positive personality trait, this type of behavior in an attachment-impaired child may signify problems.

5. Accuse the mother of being overly sensitive or neurotic. She is in a position to see subtle symptoms as no one else can.

6. Take it personally if asked to step back so the parents can help their child heal and form a healthy and secure attachment. You may be asked not to hold the baby for more than a minute. This is not meant to hurt you. It is meant to help prove to the baby who his mommy and daddy are. Up until now the child’s experience has been that mommies are replaceable. Allowing people to hold the baby before he has accepted his forever mommy and daddy are can be detrimental to the attachment process.

7. Put your own time frames on how long attachment should take. One mother was hurt when she was chastised by a relative who couldn’t understand…after all, the baby had been home six months. It could take weeks, months, even years. Every child is different.

8. Offer traditional parenting advice. Some well-meaning family members will tell a new mother not to pick the baby up every time he cries because it will spoil him. A child who is at-risk or who suffers from attachment issues must be picked up every single time he cries. He needs consistent reinforcement that this mommy/daddy will always take care of him and always keep him safe.

9. Fall into the appearance trap. Some babies/toddlers with attachment issues can put on a great show to those outside of the mother/father. What you see is not always a true picture of the child. Even babies as young as 6-months-old are capable of “putting on a good face” in public.

10. Lose hope. With the right kind of parenting and therapy, a child with attachment issues can learn to trust and have healthy relationships. But it does take a lot of work and a good understanding of what these children need.