Heaven . . . .

It has been a long month. Long for many reasons. Long mostly because of the stress we've been under. For those that don't know, Daddy and I promised ourselves we would do a certain number of attempts with assisted fertility treatments. This was before adoption became closer to a reality than just a dream. Our timing, true to form, was a little off and we found ourselves in the midst of our final attempt at conception whilst having already started the adoption process.

I would NOT recommend this to souls lesser than the Saints.

My world started spinning in late July and hasn't stopped. The ridiculously high hormone levels they had me on didn't help my attitude either. Needless to say, I found out for sure that our final attempt failed yesterday. Don't get me wrong. I'm pleased as punch that being pregnant won't stand in the way of our going to get MyMy at the earliest possible opportunity. It is just that the closing of a long, painful, soul-shredding chapter in our lives is a little overwhelming. I will admit to some sadness about not giving birth to my child physically, but it has just driven home to me that the emotional "pregnancy" is at least as profound. In some ways more so . . . . Daddy gets to feel the same stuff that Mommy feels. The emotions I feel as I close the book on trying to conceive are quite complex . . . . moreso than even I could imagine. I feel as though I am saying goodbye to something I never had to begin with. Perhaps I am saying goodbye to what was once my dream. I have found myself running an emotional marathon over the last four years and I just realized in this moment that it was August 2003 that Daddy and I began this exhaustively lengthy journey. I have lost 3 babies. Three times out of over 48 attempts have we succeeded in the first round of parenthood only to be denied what we have now learned is called a "live birth". Funny . . . . I just used to call it "having a baby". I have been so angry at being forced to know all that I have had to know throughout this whole process. I have been angry at the child who didn't want to be born to us. Sounds crazy huh? I told you all this was soul shredding. I have been sad because I have had moments where I believed what several people have told us . . . "Everything happens for a reason". "God has a plan". Please don't say that to us anymore. We don't believe that God took 3 little lives away for ANY reason. It is just life. . . . . and we just have to live it. And live it we shall. For those that think that adoption might be a second choice to us, please let go of that idea. Adoption and the country of Viet Nam have now become our guiding light and saving grace. Viet Nam has allowed us to replace sadness with joy. . . . Desperation with hope . . . Anger with determination . . . . and emptiness with contentment. As I sit quietly in the dark shedding tears of sadness over an ending and I also shed tears of joy for the anticipation of preparing the road for MyMy to come home. There is so much left to do and I feel tired. But I don't doubt for a minute that I will have what it takes to bring her home. That is what mommies do.

I am listening to the soundtrack of Riverdance . . .. a particularly haunting violin is playing the soundtrack of my emotions. If I allow myself to drift off and dare to dream again, I clearly see the rolling landscape of lush emerald grass somewhere near Dublin Ireland. I'm watching Daddy get smaller and smaller as he mountain bikes into the hills and over my shoulder I turn back to look at my little Vietnamese treasure trying to outrun her new puppy to get to mommy. Now wouldn't that be a sweet ending to all this. . . . . . Perhaps the thought of MyMy has helped me to learn how to daydream again. Oh the stories we shall make up at bedtime together .. .. . . See you soon darling . . .. but not nearly soon enough.