A toilet paper roll later . . . .

Well . . . . where do I start?


I thought this home visit was going to be skating downhill. It should have been. Sarah is lovely. I felt so comfortable answering all kinds of questions about my "Movie of the Week" childhood. And Daddy felt comfortable sharing about his "Father Knows Best" childhood.


Sarah was at our home for over 4 hours.


I have been through therapy (and VN is ok with that CHINA!) with no drugs, just therapy. My therapist is "old school". We dug in hard and covered a lot of territory during our tenure together. I also shared another part of our lives with Sarah that I was told by several people to lie about. I didn't feel that I could do that. There was really no way they could have "discovered" this info, but I felt that being the type of people we are, omission of this nature was tantamount to lying. I want to be able to tell my child that honesty is the best policy and MEAN it, although I completely respect and understand why we were advised to lie/withhold information. From our perspectives, this "thing" about us has been the thing that carved out the wonderful people that Sarah originally met. It is the thing that has pushed us both, spiritually, emotionally, and physically to being far superior to what we could have been. It is something that separates us from many people . . . . . but in an awesome way. I am not ready to disclose what this "thing" is as I am not controlling who reads this blog, but my friends and family know what it is and they all agree . . . . . it is the thing that makes us the most groovalicious peeps that we are. And we are not ashamed of it. And we won't hide it as if we are . . . . . I just feel the need for privacy for this blog's sake. At any rate, the reason I mention that is because it is this thing that is personal that we felt might stand in our way of adoption, if in fact, we were adopting through a closed-minded, uneducated, Neanderthalic agency or country. As we disclosed to Sarah the "thing", she had this look on her face that said . . . .. "Never in a million years would I have guessed that." After all was said and done I asked the question . . . . . ."What does this do to you almost being certain that we were approved before?" Her response: "You two are awesome people . . . . I am 99.99% sure it won't be a problem." My response: "Sarah, 1 week ago, you thought we were the most awesome couple you had met with to date. Think about all the reasons you felt that way to begin with. All of those reasons that we are awesome are a direct result of my husband and I rising from the ashes almost 19 years ago for me and 16 years ago for him as individuals and over the last 13 years, together. All of those reasons are a direct result of our ascent to a more profound existence because of our past setbacks. We both know how to transcend the hard stuff. We are both focused, powerful people. I trusted you enough to give you 100% of the truth when I didn't have to. I need 100% back from you that this will be ok.

Her response: "It is 100% going to be fine. And to put your mind at ease, I'll go over this with my boss and the director to ensure to you that it will be fine."

Turns out, that we DID choose the right agency and the right country. *exhale*

I got a call from Sarah letting me know she ran everything by everyone and they LOVE us! She said that would disclose the information in the homestudy and to Viet Nam and I still had no reason to worry. *whew*

Did I say how much we loved Sarah yet?

Now, in the process of "studying" us, Sarah asked us some questions that dug deep into areas that we were both expecting, but we were not expecting me to blubber like a baby lost in the toy section at WalMart! Hence the title of this post.

What was the most challenging thing you dealt with as a child? Hmm . . . . .there are so many to choose from. Sarah interjected that perhaps was it my parent's divorce? No . . . . . I was as happy as a little pig in shit when that happened. Those two did NOT blend well! And they drove me crazy in the process. No, no . . . . that wasn't it. AH! By far the most challenging was losing my precious, sweet, kind, loving grandmother. It was like losing a mother to me. It was like losing God to me. And dare I say, it was a huge catalyst for the "thing" that I won't go into discussed above. Oh dear lord . . . . . I loved that woman. Still do. She is the reason I'm not dead or in jail today. She was my saving grace. I hope to be half the mother that she was to me. Now . . . . that is not a new thing . . . .. you know . . . . for me to weep over losing her. Even if it was 31 years ago. And I won't stop weeping in 31 more years either! But here is the thing that sent me over the edge. Sarah wanted to know how I coped with that. HA! Through all my therapy and self examination and spiritual guidance from awesome gurus . . . . . I don't think I ever looked at that part. Let's see . . . . how did I cope? I was silenced for about 3 minutes b/c I had no idea. For those that know me, that is one "Amen" short of a miracle. Then I recounted the events . . . . seeing her in her coffin (not sure that was a good idea), looking around at all the adults in the room crying. Wondering why no one was trying to wake grandma up. I saw her hand move . . . . .I swear! Someone help me wake her up. Then nothing. I remember feeling so very alone and betrayed although I'm not sure by whom exactly. It was later that day that I realized my concept of God was forever changed. How could a God that was so good, like grandma tried to tell me all those years, take away the ONE person on this planet that I was POSITIVE that loved me? Nope . . . . . God was officially on my doo doo list. Though, I dared not ever admit it outloud for fear of really going to hell. Little did I know at that time that hell doesn't have a zip code, but it most assuredly has a "population" sign. And my grandma wasn't among those. So . . . . . how did I cope? I remember looking around and seeing my cousins and they had just lost the same thing that I did. But my cousin James recognized what the adults couldn't. He took it upon himself to try to distract me and when that didn't work, he sat down and told me how it was going to be ok and that grandma was with God now. Well . . . . I wanted to go to. He told me they needed me here and that my family would be sad if I left. Then his sisters showed up and we all got distracted together. I loved James . . . . he was always like the big brother I never had. He always looked out for me and no one realized how much. I guess I didn't even realize how much until Sarah asked that question. She wanted to know if he and I were still close. *EXPLOSION* "We are close in spirit . . . . . he died last Thanksgiving. About a month before my other grandma died."

Pause for about 5 minutes to get control of the crying suck-backs.

I look over and realize my husband is crying too. He loved James as well.

Pause for another minute as Sarah almost looked on the verge of tears.

A few more suck-backs, some poor attempts at humour.

OK! What other questions do you have Sarah? I think the poor dear was almost afraid to ask me anything else, but she put on her wading boots and proceeded.

In the end, I was more than just a home visit. I really wanted to hug Sarah as she was leaving, but didn't want to cross a professional boundary. I hugged her in spirit and once my child is home, we are all three going to go give her the biggest hug ever.

Pass the hankey again!