March through July, 2007
I should have been documenting this from a while back, but at first, it was only a dream. At this point in the story it is a much bigger reality. A little angel planted the seed that we really did have what it took to adopt. The money was the biggest draw back because all the research we had done indicated it would be approximately $30,000.00 or more. Huge obstacle. Then I remembered something I read when I was a young teenager. “Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal.”
We had been trying to conceive for 4 years. We have been pregnant 3 times, all resulting in losses. Invitro Fertilization was recommended by now my third doctor. IVF is pretty expensive considering the statistics of success. On our long journey to become parents, we have learned new vocabulary words and terminology that we never wanted to know. We have become versed in statistics that include geriatric child bearing outcomes that distinguish between conception, pregnancy, and live births. For $6,000.00 we can use my eggs and have one attempt at being parents with a 20% chance of live birth. For $12,000.00 we can use family member’s eggs, but because of her age we would only be given a 35 – 40% chance of a live birth. For $15,000.00 we can use an anonymous donor in her 20’s and be given a 60% chance of a live birth. And for $30,000.00 ish we can be almost guaranteed to become parents.
We have one shot only at this. The way I see it is this: giving birth is 50/50. I will or I won’t and that is that. With only one chance to get it right, we decide that boarding a plane was a better deal than waiting on a stork that might never show up. And so begins our new life journey.
Many people over the last 4 years tossed out the adoption idea to us. We were never opposed to becoming parents in that way; we just didn’t think we could gather the money in time to not age out of the adoption programs. Currently, the option of countries that we have are small because of our age, but that is ok . . . . . we think we are right where we are supposed to be. That same angel that planted the adoption seed gave me a laminated magnet for my birthday with an important phrase. That is the phrase I have put in my header of this blog. So true. Hope is something we had been robbed of over the last 4 soul shredding years. However, I refuse to litter this new journey with the desperation of sentiment that has consumed me in the past. It is with an abundance of Hope and encouragement from a significant group of people that we look to Viet Nam to make our dreams come true. During one of my fertility visits to Chapel Hill the IVF coordinator listened through my painful cries about being so tired from all we had been through. Although I didn’t want to seem like I was a quitter, I didn’t think I could spend any more of my life and energy trying to birth a child that clearly wasn’t as into as we were. I shared with her the pearls of wisdom from an unlikely source (my Daddy) that “there comes a time when you have to stop trading one life for another.” I think she shed a tiny tear herself. Then I told her that we were considering adoption if we could make it happen financially and that Viet Nam was on our radar. She seemed thrilled but sensed some hesitation on my part. Since I had sent my husband to go get the car, I felt I could be honest about my only concern. I shared with her that my husband’s older brother was killed in Viet Nam in 1969. She said “I’ve spent time with both of you and I just don’t see your husband being the kind of man that would let that keep him from opening his heart to a child because of that war. In fact, it would probably be very healing on many levels. In Viet Nam, you lost someone that was very dear and now, Viet Nam gets to give you back someone to love just as much if not more. Don’t let that war stand in your way.” That woman has no idea what she gave to me in that conversation. I hope to take MyMy to visit her some day so she can see how she was an integral part of this journey.
Nancy, who has become a friend as well as my pedicurist is Vietnamese American. She is thrilled about what we want to do. She has been educating me on the country and the traditions and trying to teach me some of the language. So far . . . . . I can’t speak a word. I ask her to repeat simple words over and over and I just can’t get my tongue to make that shape. She told me it was a very hard language and that one word can be pronounced 9 different ways and mean 9 different things. I think I may be screwed! I told her I was scared I would offend people without meaning to and she assures me that the Vietnamese are more gracious than that and the worst they’d probably do is laugh at me for sounding ridiculous. Luckily, many of them speak English and LOVE Americans. I have been told by many people that when the Vietnamese people see a Caucasian couple with a Vietnamese baby, they come over to give good wishes and thank the couple for taking the child to America. Nancy told me that it is everyone’s dream to become an American and when I looked at her in amazement she said “You have no idea how lucky you are to live in this country do you? You take so much for granted like the freedom to walk into your home and feel safe and the ability to open a refrigerator or pantry and have food. If you get sick, you go to the doctor and get medicine without much thought. When your children get sick, they get medical care that is paid for by the government if you can’t afford it. You have the freedom to get in a car and go wherever you want, whenever you want and to make a salary in one year that most Vietnamese people won’t see in their entire family in a lifetime. That is why they dream about this country and how wonderful their lives would be if they were only able to get paid for how hard they already work. Most children are potty trained as soon as they learn to walk because they don’t know from diapers. Diapers are a luxury. Feeding your family is a blessing.”
It was impossible to not feel humbled in that moment. It has been impossible since to not feel grateful to have been lucky enough to be born on American soil. It used to be my wish to have a smart child who would do well in life. This has taught me that it is more important to have a loving child who might help change the world someday.
Many people have questioned us about why we have chosen to build our family in this way. That seems like a natural question and I hope this entry might answer that question on some level. Sure, there are many children that need homes in the United States and those children are more than deserving of those homes. Whether we adopt those children or not, they will still have opportunities as Americans at a life that children such as those orphaned in Viet Nam would never be able to conceive. Perhaps adopting through the foster care system will also be a part of our future in continuing to build our family. I can easily see that happening. But this is right for us right now for the right reasons. We would hope that any prejudices that people have will be something we are not asked to deal with. The truth is that we WON’T deal with those prejudices. Part of this new chapter in our lives includes surrounding ourselves and our child(ren) with loving, happy people. And really, it should be that way regardless. Luckily, the friends and family that we have are already enlightened, educated, loving and supportive. And yes . . . . we already have a name picked out. No . . . . I’m not ready to tell anyone other than the ones that I just couldn’t contain myself with! We do plan on giving our child an Anglo name but we will also have a Vietnamese name so they can choose for themselves what they wish to be called when they get old enough. Because the Vietnamese are steeped in culture and tradition, Nancy highly recommends we keep the Vietnamese name the child was given in their country. Well . . . . that sounds like a viable option, but we have to make sure we can pronounce it first!
More to follow!
